Claire Has A Secret

TTFA Classic
Written By Team Terrible

When Claire was a teenager, she held a lot of big, difficult feelings, and for a while, she saw only one solution for them. Though Claire decides to not act on those feelings, her story gets shared anonymously online — and continues to appear when she needs it most.

Note: This episode is about suicide. If you are or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, there are free resources available to you: 

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The episode transcript can be found here.

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Nora McInerny: Um, How are you? Most people answer that question with fine or good, but obviously it's not always fine. And it's usually not even that good. This is a podcast that asks people to be honest about their pain, to just be honest about how they really feel about the hard parts of life. And guess what? It's complicated. I'm Nora McInerney, and this is terrible. Thanks for asking.

THEME MUSIC

Nora: heads up that this episode talks about suicide and eating disorders. So listen with care.

MUSIC

Nora: I keep a lot of things from my past. I have loved letters, photos, journals. Every once in a while, I will find myself cleaning out a closet or a bookshelf and a piece of my past. That I've completely forgotten about. Will fall out of a folder or a book. And I will be spellbound. By a photo of me in a body that I hated so much. I starved it half to death. By a love note from a man who promised to love me forever. And whom I haven't spoken to in. 15 years. 

These artifacts sometimes feel like going home and sometimes feel. Like a visit from a stranger. Sometimes they remind me of just how little I've changed and sometimes. They remind me that, however, I feel wherever I am, if I am lonely elated, peaceful, frantic. Laying in bed. Waiting for him to call. It is all temporary. 

MUSIC

Nora: On a spring day in 2016. Claire is about to experience a visit from one of her past selves. At the time Claire was 23 years old. She was a college student working towards her degree in social work. And her version of rifling through old journals. Was happening at one of the most prestigious museums in the world. 

Claire Benson: I had, um, seen that there was gonna be an exhibit at the Smithsonian and I have some family in dc So over spring break I went and visited. 

there was just these glass cases filled with secrets, and there were secrets you could see and read, and there were piles just to show the sheer volume of secrets

Nora: Visiting family is a side quest for this trip because Claire is really there to see one specific exhibit. Not the star Spangled banner or Judy Garland's Ruby slippers from the wizard of Oz. Not a presidential portrait. Claire is there because the museum has a temporary exhibit. From her favorite blog. Post secret. Now in the early aughts post secret was the place to be. On the internet. Every Sunday, since 2005, Frank Warren would post scanned envelopes and postcards that have been sent to his PO box. Frank was a collector of secrets. That had been turned into art. Sometimes they were heavy and sometimes they were really funny, like a flattened out Starbucks sleeve that says, I give decaf to customers who are rude to me. 

The exhibit at the Smithsonian was a real life version. Of the blog. Of the blog.

Claire Benson: it was just like these glass cases filled with secrets. And also there were little displays, like they have artwork on art museums. They had some of the secrets displayed and they had Little text blurbs talking about post secret. and they had this little computer where they were playing the TED Talk, and I remember I took a picture of the TED Talk at the moment they played my secret. 

Frank Warren: Secrets can take many forms. They can be shocking, or silly, or soulful. They can connect us to our deepest humanity, or with people we'll never meet.

Nora: That's the man behind post secret Frank Warren in his Ted talk half a million secrets. This is the Ted talk that was playing in the Smithsonian. 

And in this talk, the one that was playing in the Smithsonian. Frank shares some of the secrets that have stuck with him over the years.

Frank Warren: Dear birth mother, I have great parents. I've found love. I'm happy. 

Everyone who knew me before 9 /11 believes I'm dead.

Nora: As Claire stands in the middle of this exhibit in the Smithsonian. Watching this Ted talk. Surrounded by strangers. She gets to the part that made her travel all the way to DC. Frank reads her secret. On the Ted stage. And as he reads it. A photo pops up behind him. There's a plain white envelope. With a sentence written across the back. In purple gel pen.

Frank Warren: Inside this envelope is the ripped up remains of a suicide note I didn't use. I feel like the happiest person on earth now.

music

Claire Benson: Oh my God, it's in the Smithsonian. How cool is that?

Nora: The cool thing is not just that Claire secret was featured on this popular blog. It's not that Claire’s secret was included in Frank's Ted talk or in the Smithsonian or in the Smithsonian exhibit. Although those are really cool things. The cool thing. Is that Claire is here. In 2016. To see what's left of a suicide note. She wrote in 2007. The cool thing is the letter is a symbol of living. And not her final communication to her loved ones. It's cool that in the nine years, since Claire wrote that, She did what she thought she wouldn't. She lived. She lived 

MUSIC

The Claire who wrote that suicide note in 2007 was a girl. She was 14, which is universally accepted as a pretty miserable age for most of us. Your body is changing. Your brain is changing. Everyone around you. Is changing, but not in the same way as. And not at the same time. Nearly everyone feels weird and out of place. And like, they're the only one who feels weird and out of place. And for Claire, this feeling was all consuming.

Claire Benson: I didn't feel like I quite fit in. I didn't really feel like I fit in anywhere. And that had honestly been a constant throughout my life, is feeling like I never fit in wherever I went. 

It would take me a long time to warm up to people like at home. I would be pretty talkative and my silly self, like I was a silly kid, but it took me a long time to warm up to a new situation. I even remember in elementary school for some reason, I was sitting at a lunch table with kids I didn't know, and they started to talk to me and I just didn't respond. And one of the kids was like, dude, she can't talk. they would just have bells at the beginning and the end of school. I would jump every time the bell would ring. I hated it. Also, if there was a fire drill, if I, if they told us there was gonna be a fire drill, I would spend the entire day with dread. 

DRONE

Like I remember as early as like fifth grade thinking what would happen if I died? What would people say about me?

Nora: A lot of kids think about death and dying. A lot of kids have anxiety or depression or both. But in 2007, there aren't a lot of people talking about how kids can feel this way. So everything that's swirling around and Claris had confuses her because she thought feeling depressed was reserved for other people. People with bad lives, people with hard lives. 

Claire Benson: I felt like I wasn't allowed to be depressed because I had a really solid family and a lot of my friends didn't.

So that was just another part of the, I don't know, the mind, fuck. Can I swear on this? 

Nora: Yeah, you can swear. Yeah. It's you know when define things as first world problems you're like, okay, but you know what? That's the world I in. 

Claire Benson: Exactly. I had lived in a developing country, so I knew what? What the opposite of first world problems were. But I was still I, I felt like I have no right to be sad, but here I am.

Nora: What Claire's talking about is a big transition. She and her family had just come back from spending six months in Tanzania for her dad's work. Those six months had been fantastic for Claire, but coming back was harder than she thought it would be. 

Claire Benson: Having missed the, the second half of sixth grade was a lot more important than I thought it would be because I feel like people solidified their friendship groups in that half of the year, and I'd missed that. Yeah. But you know, my best friend had a, found a new group of friends and they let me into their group.

MUSIC

When I first started experiencing depression when I was 13, like I first started thinking the situation is so terrible. Like being 13 is so terrible. The only way out I can see is through dying. And I remember getting thoughts, a lot of intrusive thoughts between my 13th and 14th year, seventh and eighth grade, thinking of what I could do. I remember sitting on the school bus one day and we were having standardized tests coming up, up and I was thinking I should jump out of this bus because I'm not gonna do well on these tests. I'm a terrible test taker. And these teachers are building it up to be the biggest deal in the world. And if I just jump out of this bus, I won't have to deal with it anymore. 

In eighth grade, I started to struggle with self-harm because I learned that if I inflicted physical pain on myself, it would give me a sense of relief. And for me it was almost like a high, like I remember sometimes I would self-harm late at night, and then the next day I'd go to school and I'd feel like I was high.

MUSIC

My mom would tell me that I was way too negative and complained too much, which was true also, uh, it was like, I didn't know how to tell people what was actually going on.  So I would just complain about seemingly trivial things. And I didn't, it was a long time before I felt like I could tell any of my peers because at the time, Like it was when the whole emo goth thing was big and part of the stereotype was that kids like that self-harmed, and people would make jokes about that. And I thought, oh my God, if people find out I do it, there's just gonna be rumor spread about me, and people are just gonna say these terrible things about me. I can't deal with that. Which was a scary thought, but I was so afraid to tell anyone cuz I thought, my family will freak out, my peers won't understand. They might even spread rumors about me and make fun of me. But yeah, I didn't tell anyone. And it was hard because I had, like outwardly, I was a very bubbly, happy person. So I also had this fear no one would believe me.

Nora: This is Claire secret. The one nobody would believe. And nobody would understand.

PLAY A LIL BIT OF DIRTY LITTLE SECRET, fade under 

Claire Benson: Remember that song? Dirty Little Secret by the All American Rejects. So in their music video, they feature secrets from Post Secret. so,

Megan: I didn't know that.

Claire Benson: Yeah. Um, I dunno if you thought about that song in a while, but yes. That, that's, um, one way that people discover post secret.

MUSIC FADE OUT

And I remember checking it every Sunday cuz that's when they update it. And occasionally I'd see these secrets and be like, I am not alone. Because for some reason I had this mistaken idea that I was the only one struggling with depression, or I was the only one not wanting to be alive.

Nora: Claire keeps her depression and her suicidal ideation between herself. And the blog she checks every Sunday. 

That feeling that she doesn't fit in. That overwhelm. The idea that the answer to these feelings could be dying. It starts to change into a new feeling. A new thought. 

Claire Benson: I remember like just every single day thinking, I don't want to fucking be at this school. , and who does wanna be in middle school? But, , I, I remember one specific day thinking if I kill myself, I won't have to deal with this anymore. And that just became a repeated thought, like a minor inconvenience would happen or I'd be worried about something. I'd be like, oh, I could kill myself. 

Nora: That thought. That the struggle in convenience, the agony of adolescence could all be over. If she just killed herself. It just keeps coming back. 

Again, Claire is 14 years old. Which is a tough age. Outside of the puberty of it all a 14 year old walks, a very fine line. You're not a little kid anymore, but you are still a kid. You're categorized as a young adult, but you're not in adults. And even adults struggle to understand that good and bad things will happen sometimes at the same time that you have to hold two or more conflicting feelings and experiences and truths in your small hands. That the good and the bad are equally temporary and all you can do is learn how to ride it all out. 

Claire is feeling big feelings like despair, loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, but she has the coping skills of a child. Which is to say she has very few. 

MUSIC

When we hear people talk about suicide after a person. Has done it. We often hear people asking, well, what happened. What drove them to it. What were the signs? In his memoir darkness, visible a memoir of madness. William Styron wrote of suicide. The greatest fallacy about suicide lies in the belief that there is a single immediate answer. Or perhaps combined answers. As to why the deed was done. To discover why some people plunge into the downward spiral of depression. One must search beyond the manifest crisis. And then still fail to come up with anything beyond wise conjecture. 

We want an answer so we can make sure we are never faced with the questions we’re asking. If we have those answers, we won't be the ones left with the questions. 

But that question might be an unanswerable one. At least for Claire. 

Claire didn't die on April 25th, 2007. But she did want to. 

Claire Benson: I don't even remember exactly what was happening the day that I wrote the note. I had just gotten back from a choir trip to San Francisco and it had been this incredible experience and I remember being on the trip and thinking, wow, I don't feel depressed. I feel like emotionally level. Um, you know, I wasn't staying awake worrying, I wasn't thinking of all the ways I could die. But when I got back, you know, there's always, when you go on a trip, it's really exciting. There's always a little bit of a calm down and, uh, mine was just really extreme. Um, and I was just like, oh wait this is life, dealing with these ups and downs. Uh, I'm just always going to have these moments where I feel really good and then the exciting thing passes and I am back to my miserable baseline.

And I just couldn't stop thinking about, I should die right now. I can't do this anymore. I, I can't do this for another day. And I remember like almost trying to talk myself out of it. Like I remember walking around the yard trying to talk myself out of it. 

Nora: Claire, can't talk herself out of it. She's 14 and she cannot imagine that tomorrow will be any different from today. So after walking in circles in the backyard, she goes inside, pulls a pen out of a giant cup of writing utensils that her family shares. And writes her suicide note. 

Claire Benson: I remember it filled an entire yellow legal pad with whatever I had to say about the 14 years I'd been alive. Before I wrote the note, I went into the kitchen and I snuck a kitchen knife into a big pocket. And I remember walking past my mom who was sitting in the living room and thinking she has no idea, and thinking I should probably reach out to my mom, but I just couldn't do it.

My parents told me it was time for dinner and I was like, okay, I guess I'll kill myself after dinner. Then at the dinner table, my dad was making his characteristic dad jokes like My dad is the king of dad jokes. I'm pretty sure he invented the concept and that somehow brought me outta my miserable space just enough. Where I was like, okay, maybe I won't kill myself.

Nora: Just like that. 

Just like that. A dad joke. And dinner. And Claire's escape patch. Slammed shut. Her family, as they clear the table and load the dishwasher as they take out the garbage and get ready for bed. Have no idea how close their daughter. They're sister. Was to leaving this earth. And that is so unsettling. So shocking to think that anyone you love deeply could be sitting across from you. And planning to die. As they ask you to pass the dinner rolls. To think of a more ordinary moment than a teenage girl passing by her mother in the kitchen. To think of how differently that night could have ended, how near that miss was. 

When the brush with death is obvious. When you pull a person back from the curb as a taxi speeds through a red light. There's a moment of recognition in both of you. Recognition of the fragility of our human lives, this rush of adrenaline, a new sense of off where your existence. And a shared gratitude for what didn't happen. But only Claire knows how this night almost ended. After dinner, when she goes back upstairs to her room, she sees the letter she wrote. The one she won't be using today. 

Claire Benson: But I kept the letter for some reason. I had one of those little lock boxes that you could get at probably Claire's or something. I think I got it as a birthday present. It like was this soft pink box with a little heart-shaped lock and a little tiny key, and I kept it in there.

Nora: Claire tears, her letter from the legal pad. Locks it in the box. Places it under her bed. And goes to sleep.

MUSIC

Claire Benson: that week actually, a friend of mine who knew about my struggles told the school guidance counselor, and I remember in the conversation he asked if I'd ever been suicidal and I was like, yeah, in the past. And he asked when I was like, Wednesday, that's not that far into the past. 

Nora: Claire's guidance, counselor, like anyone who works at a school was a mandatory reporter. Which meant that as soon as they learned that Claire was suicidal, they were required to tell her parents. 

Claire Benson: And I remember my dad picking me up from school that day and just crying and saying things like, we don't wanna lose you. And I remember having such difficult conversations with my parents and. But also like they made me go to therapy as they absolutely should have, but I really didn't wanna be there, so I didn't really get much outta that. And I remember later that evening we talked some more and. I remember seeing him cry and him saying, I'm sorry, I, you know, I, I wish I had known and thinking, oh, right, grown men do cry. Mm. And thinking, wow, okay. I actually did affect my dad. And my mom just held me in this super long hug and I was so uncomfortable 'cause I was like, oh my God. She knows, like I know what this hug is trying to communicate

Nora: In the months after her parents find out. Things start to change for the better. Claire's parents make her see a therapist, which she didn't love going to, but obviously needed. And Claire says she doesn't know why she started to get better, but  we have a guess. Depression can feel like sitting in a room. As the sun goes down. Unaware that darkness has been creeping along the floors and the walls until you suddenly realize you can't see your own hand in front of your face. You know, the room was different before. There was wallpaper, maybe, visitors even. There was something good in here. A reason for being here, but. What was it? 

My own depressive episodes have felt so claustrophobic. So simultaneously over and underwhelming. So hopeless. That I have thought, ah, if I get broadsided in a car accident and die instantly. At least I won't have to do this thing. That's hanging over me. 

When I'm in one, I can't remember anything good about my life. Even if it is right in front of my face. It is like the lights are just out. Everything is helpless. Every negative thought I have about myself and the world around me are trapped together and magnified. One negative thought leads to another. And another, and then that's all there is. 

One of our favorite guests, this psychologist, Dr. Edith Eger says that the opposite of depression is expression. That what comes out of you doesn't make you sick. But what stays inside of you? Does. 

Depression thrives in those cold, dark, damp corners of our mind. 

Claire's friend telling the guidance counselor. Was like striking a match in that pitch black room. A little flare of light to let Claire know that she wasn't alone. And Claire saw that her friend did something very difficult to try to help her. She heard from her parents that they loved her and that they wanted to make sure she wasn't struggling alone. She knew. What her mom's hug meant. The therapist that she didn't really like was still sitting across from Claire. Hearing her. Telling her that her life was worth living. 

And as those lights start to come back on. Claire starts to feel better. 

MUSIC FADE OUT

QUICK THEME

Nora: Claire survives the eighth grade and starts high school. One day she's in her room and opens that little box under her bed. And there it is. Her suicide note. The words of her depressed brain staring back at her. 

Claire Benson: I was like, I should rip up this letter, but I thought maybe I could send this to Post Secret. 

It would be so cool to be featured on there. I knew that the chances weren't great. Um, I've since read that the curator of the blog, Frank Warren, receives uh, about a thousand secrets a week, and only 10 end up on the blog. So I know the statistical probability wasn't great, but it was like I'm gonna unburden myself in a way that might help others. 

Nora: Claire rips up that yellow piece of paper. Puts the shreds in an envelope. And grabs a purple gel pen. In our teenage girl handwriting, she writes on the envelope, the words that will later catch Frank Warren's eye. 

Claire Benson: Inside of this envelope are the ripped up remains of a suicide note I didn't use, I feel like the happiest person on earth now.

I was like, I wanna send this in. But I don't want my parents to see it in the outgoing mail because we had one of those mailboxes where you clip it. So my friends at summer camp and I had all like started writing letters to each other because we thought that was fun. It was fun to engage in that lost art. And so I wrote some letters to my friends from summer camp and I hid it between, I hid the post secret envelope in between those and then just walk to school like it was a normal day. And then proceeded to have a normal day.

And I remember in the following weeks, checking the website to see if my secret was on there. And it wasn't. I didn't think much. I was like, okay. Didn't make the cut. Wasn't expecting it to, but I unburdened myself.

MUSIC FADE OUT 

Nora: Here's where we could end this story. Where we could talk about how Claire got better. And that was that. She beat it. Depression, suicidal ideation. And it's all a part of her youth. It was a silly idea for middle school. And now that she's in her thirties, she's all better. But the truth is that for Claire. That feeling was not a flash in the pan of her developing brain. It's a feeling that is circled back to her unwelcome and unbidden. 

Claire Benson: I honestly, even into high school, like when I was feeling good, I was like, it's inevitably gonna come back. Like when I go to college, I'm gonna get super depressed. I remember touring colleges and thinking about what on this campus could I use to kill myself, which is super dark and I should have realized that was a problem. it was a fear but also a bit of a comfort. There's always a way out. I could never picture myself living a long life. 

Nora: Even after she went to therapy and high school and started to feel better. Even after she graduates from high school and heads to AmeriCorps and then to college. Every new version of Clare that unfolds. The suicidal ideation comes along with her. 

Claire describes it as a coping mechanism. She didn't see herself as actively suicidal, but she wasn't really dedicated to staying alive either. And like most of us as Claire got older, her problems only got more complex. And since her main coping mechanism was her reminder to herself that she could escape. That coping mechanism was used a lot.

Claire Benson: A lot of things happened. The first half of my second year of college, like I had a friend who I'd lived with when I was in AmeriCorps died.

And on the way to the funeral I had gotten caught in a storm and so I wasn't able to go, which really just added insult to injury And Then I started to cope with that through restricting my food intake and obsessing about food because there were other things that were distressing me that I just didn't wanna think about.

I also think that starving myself was like a way that I felt like I'm shortening my life. Like sometimes I would Google like eating disorders, life expectancies, and. There's not really any clear data on that because they're so variable. But I remember having a doctor tell me once, when I was 25 that I was at serious risk for a heart attack. And if I had a heart attack, it'd be an especially bad one. I thought all heart attacks were bad, but this was that I, there would be no chance of revival and finding that to be a bit of a relief. When people would try to scare me and be like, this is gonna kill you. I'd be like, good. But it, it wouldn't have to be something dramatic and violent. It would just be slow.

Nora: One day during this period. Claire is sitting at her house. It's 2015 and she's a sophomore in college.

Claire Benson: I was procrastinating on getting ready for Spanish class, and I was like, I haven't looked at post secret in a while. So I scrolled through it, scrolled through the Sunday secrets, scrolled through, they have Sunday secrets and classic secrets, and then they had a post about suicide awareness month.

MUSIC

Nora: The post reads. This is national suicide prevention month. And this week, we will share our secrets about it. And this week, we will share our secrets about it. But not every suicide secret is dark. Please help me tell the full range of stories about suicide. By courageously sharing our stories, feelings, and secrets about suicide. We can all make it a national conversation. And not a national secret. And right there. Just below that post. Is Claire’s secret.

Claire Benson: I never expected to see it again. And seeing it was just such a shock. And I hadn't checked post secret in a while, but it just so happened that day I was checking it. And I started showing everyone. And it was also really It was really powerful because that summer had been really rough. I'd struggled a lot with suicide ideation and I was like, oh, okay. I'm still an inspirational story. 

Nora: when you saw this, how well were doing mentally?

Claire Benson: Not well.

Nora: Yeah.

Claire Benson: I had. Been struggling with an eating disorder and that summer I'd become suicidal. And I was starting to feel better emotionally, but my eating was still very much a work in progress. And actually, I remember that night I, or that week, I hadn't been eating very well, and very quickly my mental health took a downturn and I just…

I was really upset the night before because I was like, this is never gonna get any better. And it wasn't to the point where I was like, I'm definitely gonna kill myself tonight. But it was like, I'm not super gung-ho about being alive. This whole life thing seems a little overrated. And I saw that and it just turned me around.

Doesn't mean I didn't still have to continuously work on my mental health. But after seeing that, it was definitely , definitely helped.

Nora: Claire was seeing a note from her eighth grade self tucked inside of an envelope sent by her ninth grade self. Uh, letter, she never used an, a secret. She never expected to see again. Her past selves, all showing up. Right when she needed them. She can't reach out to those former versions of herself. Can't. Tell them that the feeling has returned. Or how much she appreciates them for living through. What they were sure they could not. So she reaches out. To Frank.

Claire Benson: [SOUND DESIGN, TYPING]

" Dear Frank, I was the one who sent this in September of 2007.

It was September of my freshman year of high school, and I had just gotten out of a deep depression on April 25th, 2007. I had written that note thinking it would never get better then that life would never get better than my depressed 14 year old existence. But for whatever wonderful reason, I kept going.

Oddly enough, I didn't get rid of the suicide note. I'm not sure what was stopping me. I had wanted to send in a secret since I discovered Posts Secret in seventh grade. In the midst of my first bout of depression, I instantly fell in love with it. I tried. I realized that other people were in just as much pain as I was.

When I started to feel better, I realized I needed to get rid of that note. I thought that ripping it up and sending it to post secret was the best way to do it. I am now almost 23 and studying to be a social worker. Right now. I want to work in mental health advocacy. I want people to be able to access treatment and realize they're not alone.

But I've also been struggling. This year, my depression came back with a vengeance along with an eating disorder. Monday night I was exhausted for and sick from days of restricting. I was so afraid. was so frustrated with the fact that I couldn't seem him to get better. I lied in bed and begged God to take my pain away.

I was so afraid of my own pain. I made my housemate keep my meds in her room so I wouldn't have access to them in the middle of the night. Tuesday morning, I rolled out of bed. I was procrastinating on getting ready for class and realized I hadn't checked post secret this week I. I scrolled through the Sunday secrets, past the pictures of the Smithsonian exhibit, which I fully intend to visit.

Then I saw mine. I immediately recognized it. I couldn't believe it. I thought since I had sent it in eight years ago, it would never be posted. I was so glad that I was an inspirational suicide story. It was like getting a note from my ninth grade self reassuring me that I was going to be okay.

Ironically, I've been showing this post to everyone. My mom told me she was so glad she never had to read it. One of my housemates said she was getting goosebumps. My pastor said he couldn't imagine a world without me and was so glad I introduced him to post Secret. My therapist was amazed that you'd kept it for that long and it must have really impacted you.

She pointed out how it was clearly written by a child with the handwriting and the purple gel pen, and that if I could impact a stranger with my story at the age of 14, imagine how I could use my story now. Thank you so much for Post Secret. For the approximately nine years, I have been following it. It has amused me, changed my perception of others, and made me realize I'm not alone.

I'm so glad that Post Secret was a way for me to reach and inspire others. Even eight years later."

Nora: And Frank does right back. 

Claire Benson: It was a pretty short response, but it said, thank you for sharing your honest story and secret Claire. It is gratifying to see that the people that post secret touches in the same way, you will never fully appreciate all the strangers you have inspired and will inspire.

MUSIC FADE OUT

Nora: Claire secret has helped countless people. And it has also helped her. And it is still not the end of the story. Because as much as seeing her secret out in the world lifted some of the burden on Claire, she still carried a version of this darkness with her. 

QUICK THEME

MUSIC FADE IN

Nora: Claire secret is no longer a secret. It's been seen by countless millions of people. And even though it's no longer in the Smithsonian, it is still online. That Ted talk will cross her social media feeds from time to time. That scan of the envelope is just a few keystrokes away on any device. And the feeling that used to be a secret. Still crosses her path sometimes. And the feeling that used to be a secret still crosses her path sometimes.

The darkness still threatens to overtake the room. One year long after that trip to DC. Claire's maternal grandparents each die just before Christmas.

MUSIC

Claire Benson: I remember sitting at Christmas dinner, we're all trying to pretend to be happy, which is weird cause we know we're all sad. Why are we pretending to be happy? And I remember thinking, feeling overwhelmed and thinking this will be my last Christmas.

And I was like, wait, suicide has become my happy place. Like I it's where I go in my mind when I feel overwhelmed by everything, like thinking there's always a way out. before I would just get mad at myself like, I shouldn't be thinking like this. Or I wouldn't get mad at myself and be like, see, it's inevitable. Someday I'll die. I'll die, someday I'll kill myself. And now I'm thinking, okay, it's not an inevitability. Like I can absolutely live a good long life.

Nora: Claire is now doing what she didn't know how to do at 14. What therapists and meditation apps and experts have been telling us to do for years. She is noticing her feelings. She's curious about them, but she's not getting swept away with them. When her brain says you can always kill yourself. She says back to it. Sure. Technically I can. But I don't have to.

Claire Benson: And that was kinda an important revelation because now when I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'll think, what are things that make me happy? What are things that have happened recently that made me happy? And what are things that are gonna happen in the future that I'm really excited about?

My happy place now is, so I have this friend who has little girls who call me Auntie Claire, and it's really sweet and I just think about how every time I see them, they yell Auntie Claire, and they gimme a big hug. And that's become my new happy place.

MUSIC

It gives me the strength when I'm having a rough time, like sometimes I'll think, oh, what can I do? Like my life's just gonna be a bunch of struggles. But then I see that and think I've come really far and I've been able to impact people I don't even know.

And yeah, somebody who looks at Secrets for a Living was moved by what I wrote. That. Yeah, that is something I regularly go back to when I am feeling overwhelmed is that I matter. I can make a difference. 

Nora: what do you now depression that you didn't know when you were a teenager? 

Claire Benson: That it doesn't necessarily have to be from something like you can have a good life and still be depressed. Getting help is actually worth it. And, If you're honest with people in your life about it, they'll, more often than not, they'll care.

You're not gonna get mocked by people you love. Will they say the right thing all the time? No, but they'll try. People really do care. 

Nora: What do you do now or what have you done when that same feeling has returned? 

Claire Benson: Whew. I… reach out for help. I've struggled a lot with passive suicide ideation and it's taken a lot of work in therapy to get to the point where I'm like, I'm not actually gonna kill myself one day. I'm going to live a good long life. And some days I still don't quite believe it. But I try to engage in things that I know make me happy and think of things that I'm looking forward to in my life and realizing that whatever I'm upset about in this moment is going to pass.

Like I had a bad day at work. Okay. It was a bad day. We all have those. It's going to pass. And also, something I've learned is that you can get to really low points where you feel like you're never gonna come back from it. And you do. You just do. I realized that even at my worst moments, even when I'm like, I'm not sure how I feel about seeing tomorrow, I am never like, wow, I really wish I'd been dead since 2007. Like I've never had a moment where I've thought that.

MUSIC

Nora: September is suicide prevention month. And that is why we wanted to share a Claire story now. And we know that this is a complicated. Nuanced intersectional topic that cannot possibly be fully explored by just one story, because if it were that simple, We wouldn't have this month. According to the CDC over 12 million American adults. Contemplated suicide in 2020. That's a lot of people and that's just who admitted it. Which means a lot of us are out here carrying a secret, just like Claire's. And that is a big secret to carry. No matter how strong you are. So if you are in a moment, Where things feel dark. And you don't want to continue on. No, that there is a world filled with people who have been in that same darkness. Here to rip the boards from the windows. To feel around the wall for a dimmer switch. To strike a match. And let you know that you aren't alone. 

VOICEMAIL BEEP

Terrible Caller 1: I think that the thing that has helped is finding that therapist who. Reacted to my sort of like enormous despair and my really big feelings with this kind of like unarmed and unsurprised reaction. That was basically like that feeling makes a lot of sense and that response felt so much better than people who have said something to me like, it's gonna get better. You're gonna find happiness, you are gonna find joy, like you will find someone else like. I don't believe them. It's he's not coming back. How could this ever be? Okay. So her reaction of like, yeah, that feeling makes sense because what you're doing is impossibly hard.

VOICEMAIL BEEP

Terrible Caller 3: the worst time for me was late high school. Um, I had a lot of family things going on, a lot of personal things going on.Was very, very mentally ill and very, very untreated. at one point I went to my parents' room in the middle of the night and told them that if I was going to have to continue to be by myself in my room, that I was going to end my life.

And my intention was that they would take me to a hospital and I could get checked in and get some serious mental health treatment. However, They said, well, uh, you can sleep on the floor in our room. So that is what I did. I did not sleep, but I laid there awake for seven, several hours, actively suicidal.

So I think the main thing is that if someone tells you something, believe them and listen to them. A lot of times it'll come in the form of like jokes and humor to test the waters. Don't be afraid to. Take things like that seriously and say, Hey, I know you're making a joke, but like, you know, you can always talk to me or whatever.

VOICEMAIL BEEP

Terrible Caller 4: I think a lot of people, if you haven't been in that situation and you have someone close to you, maybe confide in you that they had feelings of that. I think it freaks people out and it kind of locks them out of what could actually help that person.

And I know that's a very scary thing to hear from someone that you love. Um, but I, I feel like a lot of people tend to immediately not make it about themselves, but they, it, it hurts them more than like, okay, I just need to hear this person right now. So as kind of crazy as the thing is, don't panic because it makes the other person not want to talk to you about it because they already have enough that they're just trying to make it through the next few minutes, days, months, whatever. Just say, okay, let's talk about it.

Nora: Thank you so much to Claire Benson for sharing your secret with us and with the whole world. Our show notes this week include links to some free resources. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts or suspect someone in your life. Might be having suicidal ideation. You feel alone, but you are not alone. There is help out there. And while the state of mental health care in this country is horrible. Dire. And it's just not good. And also not accessible to everyone. You do deserve to have the help you need. That's a whole other story. Many stories. So we are always taking stories, submissions on our website. And if you have a story. About our mental healthcare system in America. Suicide depression. Though works, whatever you want to share with us. And you would like to submit the place to do that is at TTFA.org. 

CREDITS

Next week, our bonus episode is a follow-up with. My best friend Moe who you might remember from episode one in love and memory. We talk about the long arc of living in the wake of a loved one suicide. Raising her son. And a lot more. 

Moe: I just see like a video of my old life of walking the dog and you know, having Bronson in the stroller, pushing him up and down Second Street. Uh, I just, I, I, it's a lot of 'em are good memories, but it's still painful to like, think about 'em 'cause he's not. He's not here. And Andrew just feels like so far away as we he, he keeps getting further away.

Nora: And over on terrible reading club, we have an episode of books that I've read, am reading, and will read including some of the books that I read while we made this episode. Thanks so much for being here. We appreciate you.

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