The One That Got Away

For years, Nancy could picture her ideal partner. She wanted someone who would make her laugh, who would love her son, and who would make her feel confident and empowered. When she met Noa, he checked all the boxes. Everything she thought other people made up about love suddenly came true. But…this perfect love didn’t last forever. 

On this episode, we hear from both Nancy and Noa as they perform an autopsy of sorts on their relationship and why it didn’t work. 

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The episode transcript can be found here.

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Transcripts are not in their final form and are subject to change.

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Nora McInerny: 

Breakup stories are like fingerprints and snowflakes: even if no two are exactly alike, they generally look alike from a distance. We know the size and shape. We understand what it means. But put any broken heart under a microscope and you’ll see the hairline cracks that turned into fault lines: the conversations that ended in crying, the differences that could not be reconciled, the ways the puzzle just couldn’t fit together. 

It hurts to break up. To divorce. To lose a love, a relationship. To lose the version of life you thought you’d found, and the potential versions the two of you were going to discover or create together. 

One of my personal favorite breakup songs is Graceland by Paul Simon, who wrote the beautiful lines, “losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart. Everyone can see the wind blow.”

I love that song for the melody and the imagery. Who hasn’t found themselves with a window in their chest, the pain parting the curtains? 

In this episode, you’ll hear from Noa and Nancy, a former couple who were willing to look back and give their relationship an autopsy. The cause of death wasn’t betrayal, wasn’t a lack of love. Which is why we called this episode The One That Got Away: because the only thing sadder than a breakup is this kind of breakup: where the love is still there, but the relationship can’t be. 

Nora McInerny: When Nancy met Noa, she was a divorced, single mom, living in Southern California. 

Nancy Hankel: so I'd been kind of dipping my toe back into online dating and kind of like figuring out how to do that as a single parent. And my really good friend I worked with, she was like, you know, her husband at the time, JD, has these friends that I want you to meet. 

She had a new Year's Eve party for 2018 heading into 2019. I ended up going to that party with a person I was very casually seeing at the time. And then Noah showed up like 45 minutes later than everyone, which is his MO. He's Hawaiian. So he's always like on island time. And so, um, you know, he comes in, we're playing, you know, games or whatever. And I was like, oh, he's very attractive. 

Nora: Now this wasn’t just a party. This was a set-up. Because Nancy’s co-worker had a lot of single friends she wanted to introduce Nancy to…and Noa was one of them. 

Noa: They convinced me to come and they're like, you gotta meet they've always been talking about you gotta meet Nancy because they thought We were such a good match. And I show up, and she's with a date, I think the only comment I made to the friends because she was there with somebody else. It was just like, oh, yeah. Ton of fun and, oh, she's got some kissable lips, something like that.

Nancy Hankel: So the person that I'd just been kind of like casually seeing that kind of, you know, fell apart. And then a couple months later, Noah reached out to me. So he called me, I think it was like, This was March of 2019 and we decided we were going to go on a date. 

So we went out on our first date. It was amazing. Like just intellectually, emotionally, like very matched. And we ended up, I, I was texting my babysitter, like, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to be home when I said I was going to be, feel free to take a nap on the couch. And we wound up going to this little, uh, neighborhood that was a few blocks away that had a really small like man made lake in it. And we sat on the bench by the lake and we were talking for a long time. And I just remember thinking like, Oh boy, this is, this is going to be a big one. 

Noa: We were on a bench, And the light was catching her. It was kinda like this just and the light was catching her,  and I was just like, look at this goddess here. You know? Like, I really I really was, um, like, who is this? And so we started to date pretty frequently.

Nora McInerny: Nancy felt ready for a relationship. But Noa wasn't looking for something serious. He grew up Mormon, and got married young. His ex-wife was the first woman he slept with, and they were married for 13 years. So when he got divorced, it was the first time he was dating outside of the religion...and he had a lot to…catch up on. 

Noa: I was still in, like, so my wild oats phase, but I wanted to be honest. So was just like, yo. I really, really, really like you, But I just don't feel ready for commitment. she could see it, and I could see it that, like, was getting a lot of feelings and really not comfortable with because was in so wild oats mode. 

Nancy Hankel: He was like, I'm really sorry. I just feel like I cannot give you what you need and deserve. And so that was really devastating. Um I was barely able to get out of bed. I was so devastated. I was like slogging to work and like, I don't know what to do with myself. And you know, just really, needed to be sad. So I was sad for a while.

And then I ended up meeting somebody and we were kind of long distance dating, but I knew it was just kind of like, I had Noah in the back of my mind all the time. And then, you know, time moves on and you kind of, the intensity of those feelings just fades.

Nora McInerny: The intensity fades, but the feelings don’t go away. About a year passes. 

Noa: It was a June or July. And, uh, one of my mentors, uh, passed away, and I was at his funeral. And they were talking about all these times, um, when this family, The mentor and his wife would host all of us as teens at their house. And we'd have ice cream parties, and they were the coolest couple ever. And in the middle of that, I just had this vision of, like, Nancy and I being that way. And and and then that couple who recommended us, who were our friends, Nancy's boy and their boys, like, playing football and, like, Me and the husband coaching the football, and it's all kinda, like, family scene. And I was like, It haunted me enough in the positive way that I was like, you know what? This time around, I am not gonna cut off the feelings. I'm a let it flow if she's willing to try.

Nancy Hankel: So he texted me one afternoon and I still remember this coming up on my phone when I saw his name and I was like, Oh, I wonder what he's up to. And it was just a Nancy. How are you? And I was like, it's very different from a lot of the other texts I've ever received from him, you know? And so we kind of started chatting back and forth. He was like, you know, I, I have to tell you about this experience that I had at my, family friends funeral. Can I come take you to dinner this week? And I was like, sure, like, I guess we can do that. 

He comes down, picks me up, um, and we're waiting outside of this restaurant for our table and he starts to tell me the story about how he was at the funeral for this family friend and he was, you know, very sad and then just started to think about what does he want out of his life? What are the things that he's looking for? And he said, you know, I want that feeling of peace and contentment and, you know, more of the stability instead of like chasing the high., you know, and so he was like, and when I thought about that, I thought about you and how that really is what I feel with you. And I was like, okay, this is again, different conversation than we've ever had before and very much in line with like what I was hoping I would ever hear from him. And so we have dinner that night. It's very clear, like the attraction's still there, the spark's still there. And so we kind of just like, we're together from that point on.

Nora McInerny: If this was a romcom, this would be the end of the movie. The specter of death illuminates the importance of LIFE. The emotional and physical distance between two people closes. They kiss. The camera pans out wide. The credits roll, and the happy couple floats off into the future together. 

But this is real life. Almost immediately after they get back together, Nancy tells Noa that while they were apart she accepted a new job....in Miami. So they had a big decision to make. Do they start their relationship in a new city or end it once again? 

Nancy Hankel: He said, we're, we're going to do it. We're in. So he is a high school math teacher. And so at the time, obviously 2020, 2021, they were still fully remote. And so he ended up coming to Miami. That was the best time of my entire life thus far. it was like, okay, the emotional connections here. I feel like he's really opened up to me in terms of like the possibility of where this could go. 

Noa: It was just glorious. We, uh, gosh. We have date after date after date. We've been to Karaoke bars, uh, a plenty. She kills it in karaoke. I kill it in karaoke. We did, like, a candlelight date out there. It's just like It's not hard to list because we just always did so much cool stuff together. Then we would just post up in a hammock, read a book, and talk to each other about the books we're reading while, like, iguanas were belly flopping into the river next to us. This stuff, it was just and it was amazing. 

Nancy Hankel: being in a place where we could go and spend so much time outside and just kind of Be by the ocean and like have this great food and this fun vibe and like music and It was just it was really, um, kind of like permanent vacation, right?

Nora McInerny: Of course was a little real life sprinkled in: Nancy's young son was with them in Miami and she was starting a new job, which is always stressful. Noa was flying back to California twice a month to see his kids, but mostly...they were having a blast.

But aside from the few interruptions to the nonstop vacation vibes, both Noa and Nancy say their time in Miami was special because they had the time and space to work on their relationship. 

Nancy Hankel: We implemented these, we called them, um, companionship inventories every month where we would sit down and like go over these certain points of our relationship and, you know, talk about. What's the numeric rating that we're giving this? What's the qualitative data that we want to add to it? dorky, but it really helps. I think kind of provide a space for us to talk about the things that came up that made us nervous or scared or whatever. 

Noa: We would start the meeting with our, uh, our song and, you know, getting this kind of meditative mindset, and then We would talk about the highlights for the week. We do, like, a little survey for each other. Um, I'm looking at our last one right now on my screen, And there was there was like a there's like a column for connectedness, how close do we feel connected. There was a column for, like, our sex. How good was our sex? There's a column for ways that we felt loved or something that I feel the other person could do to help me feel loved. We had a section for, like, how how much do we feel we brought to the relationship, and then we would just have notes.

In in so many of my other past relationships, not all of them, when you would make a move for honesty, It would end up being to your detriment. Something you said in your honesty would be like in a list against you, even if it was just your feelings or thoughts. But with Nan, we were able to create a place, not just comp inventory. In our discussion where all thoughts, all feelings were accepted.

During the month, if I had a thought that I was afraid of telling her or I didn't wanna really bring up, I was like, well, you can't wuss out, man. You gotta put that in the comp inventory. And so I would, like, put a little like, I wouldn't I didn't wanna spin her mind about it, so I wouldn't be, like, real clear about what it was, but I would say in the in the in the Google Doc, k. We gotta talk about this thing. Right?And I'm telling you, That was so important. That was such a big deal, I think, for our relationship, especially as things started to get hard.

Music

Don’t you love both of these people? Don’t you love them together? They’re so intentional about their love. They’re putting in WORK for their relationship. Don’t you want it to work out for them?? 

Nancy Hankel: And so then early 2021, I ended up leaving that job in Miami because it was a super toxic work environment. And he has three children who are in California. So we decided, well, probably makes sense for us to go back there. Cause he'd been like doing the back and forth flying thing, which was just a lot. Um, and so we get back to California and I feel like everything started to shift at that point.

Nora McInerny: Nancy, Noa and Nancy's son Charlie pack up their life in Miami and move back to Southern California. Where it all began and ended and then began again.

Noa: That's when we decided when we come back to California, We would be domestic partners. Uh, I remember when we made that decision, and I felt really strong strong about it. I felt Perfect. It felt natural. 

Nancy Hankel: Being in the part of Southern California that we were in, We didn't want to necessarily be super close to where his job was, and because I was doing consulting I felt like I could live pretty much anywhere, so we just had to be close enough for him to get to work. I found us an apartment, up in the mountains. And I made that decision kind of unilaterally, Although he loved living up there, um, I really wish somebody had been like, this is a dumb move.

It was too far. The house we were in was directly across the street from an Auto body repair shop. And so during normal business hours all you heard across the street was like Like nonstop. And so then a couple of months after we'd moved up there, you know, the fun, the finances are starting to get really tight because my consulting work It's just not super consistent and I didn't have a huge savings to pull from.  And then whenever his kids would come over, you know we're in a two bedroom One bathroom place. We now have three extra people in this house. Um this is a lot. And so then it's like, okay logistics wise living up the mountain was tough because you had one grocery store unless you wanted to drive all the way down the hill to get other stuff. And then he starts working, and having to go in every single day to work, and I'm trying to do as much consulting as I can, But not have to pay for the childcare that it would take for my kid to be in full time preschool, and like, Okay, so we get through that fall and then he's coming home from work and doing Tutoring to make extra money. 

Nora McInerny: It’s a whole lot of life, all at once. And then Nancy’s dad dies, which is never great, but definitely not great when the rest of your life feels like a shaky teeter-totter. When Nancy finally finds a well-paying, full-time job…it’s 80 miles away from the apartment she picked out in the mountains.

Nancy Hankel: It's just like all the things Piling on top. May of ‘22 is when we decided to move down the mountain back kind of in between our jobs at that point, that was when the U Haul with all of our things got stolen. And so I remember very distinctly one day like Sitting in my car on the ninety one freeway, if you've ever driven or been on that road, like the traffic on there is Horrendous. And I'm in the fast track lane, and I'm still just like parked on the freeway. and I just remember looking out the window and I'm like, If this is all there is, I don't know if I necessarily want to do this anymore. Like, I don't want to live the entire rest of my life commuting and living in this shitty apartment With the shitty furniture that we had to, like, borrow from people that his mom knew from church because we didn't have any money to buy real furniture. 

Noa: We were very stressed. And here's a good thing. Even throughout all of this, She did things she could tell when I was just that she would do things for me. She was a wonderful like, you're mad. I'm like, no. I'm not. She's like, you're mad. And I'm like, Okay. What do you see? She's like and she just be like, come here. And she just stroke my head, touch me, and she could calm me down. You know? For her, I knew she just needed to vent She needed to process it. She needed, like, some time to herself. I might say, hey. Let me let me take Charlie. You could have some time. You go do the or whatever. You know? And we just took care of each other through that. And, I could tell I could tell that it was mounting in her head just like, I can't keep living like this. 

Nancy: And I just remember I was like okay I don't want to live in California anymore, and I also know that when I make this decision, This is opening up a door I don't know what I'm ready to go through, because I knew Noah wasn't going to be ready to leave.

Noa: Our relationship from my perception was still strong. It was still strong. Like, I just felt like we were in a really tough place. I mean, I'm looking at some of our comp inventories, and I'm still seeing, like, eighty fives and seventies. Here's a sixty. What was going on on the October twenty twenty one? We had a both of us had a sixty. Well, what's going on there? Highlight. We are alive in three fourths kicking. Oh, man. The sex score was forty. I didn't think we ever got that low. So I think this is really when it was It was hitting us around this time. Gee whiz. Still grateful for companionship and co piloting, but there's The long list of other struggles.  

Nora McInerny: It wasn't just the life stressors that were weighing on Nancy. It was the fact that if they were going to go through all of this – the shitty apartment, the shitty furniture, the commuting, the stress – she wanted more of a commitment than being an adult woman in a “domestic partnership.” Nancy wanted to get married.  

Nancy Hankel: There was always this underlying wall That he is not going to take down. Um, and I remember reading somewhere like a long time ago, when I was in like middle school. Um, this girl was saying, you know, my mom always told me you have to find someone, You want to find a man who's always a little bit more in love with you than you are with him. And, like, I knew that that dynamic was not there with us. And I think that he, you know, he did the best, he could, He loved me as well as he could, and it just still wasn't enough.

Nora McInerny: That’s not how Noa remembers it.

Noa: What I heard was we I want us to be more of a priority in your life. At the same time, I was starting to realize, I kinda feel like I need to bring them down in priority so that I can address these other things that need to be priority. There was that tension going on there. So what I was feeling was a need to balance my life. I wanted to get back in shape again. my health is really bad. I'm I weigh four hundred and fifty pounds I found. I need to work on my master's degree. Felt like, There's just so much, uh, you know, I needed to work on that I wasn't getting to. If you were to look at the time I was spending, the resources I was doing, my attention and my focus, nan and Charlie were number one.  Because it's like, come home. Make sure there's dinner for them. Like, make sure, you know, Do dishes. Like, make sure on this night, you're taking Charlie and the the like, I was in that, you know, and

Nancy Hankel: I told him like, I, I used to have growing up and then even through a long time in my 20s, like these dreams, I'm a very, And I would have these dreams of this person that I'm with and this person that I love. And I don't have those dreams anymore because I'm living that reality with you. Like the connection we have, the laughing, the ability for you to like be there for me when I'm sad and vice versa, the support for each other, the like unconditional everything. And we still can't get to where we need to go. And so we had probably like four or five conversations about this. Like, Do we think we can do it? Do we want to try? Like what's it going to take for us to kind of get past here? 

And both Amanda and then my friend Katie, the one who'd originally introduced us were like, he's going to come around like, just, you know, give him some time. And so I gave him some time and we eventually, I remember I was just becoming really like Brittle.. we can't keep living in this space of not knowing what's going to happen with us. And our lease was going to be up in November of 2022. And so we sat down, I think it was early October, or no, early September of that year. And I looked at him and I was like, I'm too scared to be the one to call it, but I think we have to. And he said, then I will do it. 

Noa: I said, Nan, everything We've done up to this point. I've done fullheartedly. have done without hesitation. I wanted to be domestic parties. I wanted to date you again. I wanted I wanted all these and and, uh, and the thing I can't shake for this time that I've been trying to consider this, Definitely not that I love you. 

both of us don't doubt that we love each other. We love each other. I don't doubt that. But taking this step does not feel fullhearted to me. And there's a part of me that's saying like, bro, don't be a fool. Who cares if you're not feeling it? You grew up in a fake it, make it culture your whole life. If you if you just start acting the part, you know, As you have been, but, I mean, you know, you step into that, you'll be excited. You'll there's a part of me that, like, wanted to make that happen. Like, don't don't be afraid. Don't be a coward. Like, uh, step into this role as a man. Be a husband, essentially. Be Be a good stepdad. But it wasn't full hearted, and I don't and I told her, I said, I don't think you want me myself as if it's like an obligation or like making myself do these things. I don't think you would want that. That's not fair to you. And, ultimately, that wouldn't hold out. And, honestly, uh, I think that's the story of my first marriage. I just Found this this woman I was so enamored with who's incredible. And I tried to be this person who I wasn't. 

Nancy Hankel: And that was it. And that was like, again, so much pain, but like such a relief to have an answer. 

Noa: And we just decided that we would this would be our victory lap, I remember, uh, we were in, uh, Desert Palm Springs. I  remember both of us taking turns holding each other and just bawling. Just bawling. Like, what what are we doing here? You know? But I needed that. I definitely needed that. I I don't know if she needed it. There was a time in that month where we'd get grumpy at each other, and we we just sat in that. We decided we would sit in that with each other, That we would celebrate what we built, that we loved each other, and so we would support each other through this situation. 

Music

Nancy Hankel: I was really mad when I first realized that like, this is where we're at and he's not going to Meet me where I need him to meet me. I was really really angry because I felt like we'd had the conversation, that he was able to do that, And so I felt like I'd been duped. for example, like the The night that we went on our second first date and he kind of was telling me about what was the reason for getting back in touch with me, And I remember saying to him like, If you do not want to go all in here like I don't want to go down this road with you. And so he said, Yes, I want to do that. And then it comes out in our breakup conversation that what we were talking about were two different things. So he's talking about, yes, I want to go all in with you in terms of being exclusive and faithful to you and monogamous and like really giving this a shot, Whereas I'm talking about All In, like, yeah, like I want to be with you forever. Like I want to love you through Everything that comes our way. And apparently those are not the same idea. Um, so yeah I was really, really, really mad about that for a little while. Um, and then I was very sad And I like couldn't listen to the radio while I was in my car because I every song would just make me cry. at one point I'm driving down the freeway and I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston came on and I was like, Oh no, we can't do this! Because, you know, until you've been in that experience where you really fully realize what the song is about, And then it, like, kills yo u on the inside. That was horrific.

Nora McInerny: After Nancy and Noa split up, Nancy found a new job in a new state, and she and Charlie left California. 

When we talk to Nancy and Noa, it’s been over a year since their second and final break-up. The love they have for each other is evident – and they’ve had time to reflect on what it means to lose a relationship, but not the love you have for that person.

Nancy Hankel: When I moved back out here to Arizona, he and I didn't really talk for a few months. We kind of just Gave each other a little bit of space, and in that time I just kind of was thinking, Oh my God, like, I'm never going to find somebody that I have this kind of connection with again. I guess I'm just going to live alone with I'm allergic to cats so maybe I'll get a dog, like that'll be my life eventually. Um, and so over time I've allowed myself To really understand that it really didn't have anything to do with me.

Logistics wise we could have made different choices, but in terms of the going all in and what that means, like that didn't have anything to do with me. And so now I have come back around to the place of gratitude and the place of kind of like Understanding that, you know, relationships are so different and personal, I think for him, I do kind of feel still like sad for him that he is not able to be to a place Where he can experience the type of love that I think we could have had.

I'm grateful for what we had, what we experienced, what I was allowed to see. I just wish it were different. I wish it were different. And like, of all the people that I know, I feel like he and I are two of the ones who deserve to have that person in your corner and that like supportive love. And it just, for whatever reason, is not in the cards for the two of us. And I think over the course now of this whole year being apart, it's, it's sad and I've really allowed myself to like, acknowledge that I feel very unfair. It's very unfair that this is where things are. And, um, feel a little bit sorry for myself, you know? 

Noa: A lot of people, bro, would move heaven and hell to have what you had. So what's your deal, man? What's your deal? You know? This has been my question. This has been my own question. And I think I think for sure there's the traumas of, um, my first marriage. Although Nancy removed a lot of that from me.

I'm starting to come around. I think marriage is important for our society. I think we don't emphasize the family enough. And I think families are really struggling right now. And but I understand why when when When both have to work so hard just to, like, just to live, just to survive, of course, you're gonna put your kids in front of a iPad. Of course, You're gonna have struggles in your relationship. And I'm sad about that. I'm sad about the own loss of my family. It's really the biggest loss of my life. It's the thing I love the most, and it's and it died. So there's kind of like a part of me that's like, There is that part of me that's like, bro, you're just a marriage killer. You're like that broken. You're just a marriage killer, bro. You know, like, you that's not a thing for you. There is that. There is that, but there's also, like, The move was to take, Like, I there's things I need to take care of. Like I like I said, my health is really bad. And, I have to figure out what a companion is to me in this life. 

There's a big part of me that has always been about what I call ascending spirituality, which is the kind of spirituality where You lose yourself in serving a higher cause. And Nancy and Charlie, like, call me the in that direction in Such a strong way. But I'm also learning that it needs to be balanced with descending spirituality and like taking care of myself, which is something I just really don't know how to do. It's something I just really don't know how to do. I've only ever sacrificed myself and found my worth Only from giving up myself. And, oh my gosh, that voice was so loud at this time. No. Not that it would be hard. Like, I like I I love my life with Nancy. Absolutely. It did feel like I was starting to step into that realm, you know, of ascending spirituality, which which I want, but I also feel like I need to I need to Explore more of this self care stuff.

Nora McInerny: Ending this relationship broke each of their hearts. But the relationship ended because Nancy and Nora were both in tune with their own needs, and neither was willing to abandon themselves for the other. 

It's a heartbreak, but it’s a necessary kind of heartbreak. 

The thing about a good love  – even if it doesn’t mean FOREVER – is that it prepares you to spot good love again. If you’re struck by lightning once, you’re actually more likely to be struck again! Sorry to my ex boyfriend’s uncle Vernon in Kentucky!

Nancy Hankel: it helped me understand that what I want is possible. You know, the thing that I, when I was married to my ex husband, I would tell myself like, it's fine. The things that you imagined being in a relationship, like you would have in a relationship are probably not ever true for people. Everyone's just lying about how happy they are and all this stuff. And then experiencing it firsthand, I was like, no, that's, that's a real possibility. So it changed my fundamental perception of that and thinking about moving forward. 

Like it was actually a real thing that's out there. I used to have a very long and detailed like Checklist of the things I was looking for with someone and Noah met a lot of those checkboxes. But it still didn't work, right?

So I think the main thing that I've realized is that For me, moving forward, when I do start dating again and trying to seriously find another partner, like, That list is significantly shorter. The items are bigger, but there are fewer of them. So like for example on my old list one of the things I had was this is so dumb one of the things I had was like, is not a huge consumer of energy drinks. Like, that really bugs me. Okay? I was, like, really judgy about that for some reason. And now I'm like, whatever. Like, drink your energy drinks. You do you. So now it's like, okay, is this person kind? Are they emotionally aware? And are they in a place of Commitment. Right? It's like this compatibility on a very base scale.

 wouldn't call him the one that got away, right? Because I had him. And I think it's more Kind of like the imperfect puzzle piece, where it's like there's just One extra part that sticks out and all the rest fits in. BEcause there is so much that I take from this experience. There's so much that I gleaned from it, there was so much goodness in it that I wouldn't necessarily consider him to be that one That got away. If you had asked me that question six months ago, that might have been a different answer for me.

Nora McInerny: It was a different answer. And if we talked to her again in a year, it might be a different answer again. Because heartbreak – the feeling, the healing, the lessons – it changes with time. 

Nancy Hankel: don't know if I'm going to find something exactly like this again, and I guess that's potentially a good thing if I really want to be In a committed, serious, long term relationship with someone. Um, but yeah, if we had talked about this, I think right when I originally reached out, I did really more feel like that, and I felt like, God, like that opportunity for this type of sweeping Experience like that ship has sailed. And I think over the last several months, especially because we've Seen each other a couple times over the last several months, um, that's kind of made me realize, like, okay, Since we have split up, like now we really are on two very different paths. And had we stayed together, obviously that would look very different, but now it's like okay the person that he is now and the things that He's focusing on are not necessarily the things that I'm looking for in a person, and so that's okay that we left it where it was.

Noa: I'm so proud of that relationship. I will always be. I will never not love Nancy. I would you know, I will never not want the best for her and her child. Um, but the big take takeaway is, like, I can have a relationship like that. I don't need to settle for somebody who won't share with me what they're feeling.  It's not that I think people are, like, on purpose dishonest. I think it really is hard to be honest. I think it's hard to be honest with your partner, and I think Hard to be honest with yourself. It feels very as though I will I will never settle for less than that.She taught me how to be in touch with all of this stuff. She taught me how to do self work on in the relationship, I'm like, this girl actually journals.  She actually journals. Look at her go over there. She's like actually reading books on how to be better and yeah. She taught me that. She really did teach me that. 

Nancy Hankel: I think that this relationship ultimately taught me, like, the importance of learning to let go. You know? And there's so much other stuff that I have finally allowed myself to be with someone who really loved me in this relationship with him. I learned what it was like to to be Kind of, I don't know how else to describe this but like tenderly cared for? Which sounds really cheesy and Gross but like that's really what it was, like allowing myself to be soft in that way. And I think too, like just knowing that the thing that I had pictured Was not totally in my imagination. Like it was actually a real thing that's out there.