The Trail

In April 2022, Marlin Sill’s father died from a head injury caused by a cycling accident. A few weeks later, he embarked on a months-long hike through the Western United States. Throughout last summer, Marlin sent the TTFA team voice memos of himself processing his dad’s death while he hiked. In this episode we take you on the trail with Marlin as he starts to grieve, and also throughout the rest of the first year without his dad.

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Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Act 1: The Trail

Cold Open

Marlin Sill: My name is Marlin. Today's August 11th. On March 20th, my dad was in a very severe cycling accident that he never recovered from. And on April 13th, he died in hospice. And on April 25th, I started hiking the Continental Divide Trail. My mom sent me a little film canister with some of his ashes when she sent me a box of food and new shoes. So pretty much since mile 300 or so of this trail, I've been carrying about a tablespoon of my dad's ashes and my mom told me to spread them somewhere beautiful or important on the trail. And I haven't been able to do that yet. I don't know if I don't want to let it go? [FADE DOWN]

THEME MUSIC

On August 1st 2022, Marlin emailed our show, and told us that while he was hiking through the U.S., he was also hiking through the first months of grieving his father. So…we told him to start recording himself. 

And we did this because we are podcasters. And also because the first year of grief is so disorienting, it can be hard to remember it once you’re through it. I kept journals and notebooks and a Google calendar that tell me, wow, that was a rough time. There are first birthdays, first holidays, first anniversaries…but that first year? Everything is a first. I remember a moment after Aaron died when I realized, oh, this is the first time I buckled an airplane seatbelt without Aaron. Not like, alone, but without him out in the world somewhere as I did it. Everything is a first, and then everything is just how it is.   

When Marlin emailed us, it was his first August 1 without his father. The next day would be the first August 2 without his father. Every step he took on that trail was a first. Every word he said. Every poem he read.

People love to describe grief as a journey. Sickness as a journey. Life itself as a journey. And I always say, look, unless you’re about to embark on foot like The Hobbit himself…is it a journey??? But it is. What is trite is often true. And for Marlin, that journey is not just emotional and spiritual…it’s very physical. It’s three thousand miles, from the Mexican Border to the Canadian Border. Marlin is doing a thru-hike, which  means he’s taking on a very, very long trail in its entirety and in a single trip. There are three major through hikes in the US: The Pacific Crest Trail, which runs along the west coast. The Appalachian Trail on the East Coast, and the Continental Divide, which is where Marlin is when he reached out to us. Because Marlin’s already done the first two, if he finishes the Continental Divide, he’ll achieve what’s called the Triple Crown.

Marlin recorded himself for the next month as he finished the trail. He sent us voice memos where he recorded whatever was in his head that day. Sometimes it was about grief and his dad. Sometimes it was about the trail. 

On today’s episode, we’re going to take you on two trails: that hike with Marlin, and the first year of Marlin’s life without his father, Murry.

You’re going to hear the tape as we got it- not in chronological order. Just random thoughts as Marlin had them. The way grief is.

I’m Nora McInerny and you’re listening to Terrible, Thanks for Asking: THE TRAIL.

[HIKING AMBI FADE IN]

September 1st: 

Marlin Sill: So my dad finally died about three weeks after his accident. Um, I had made the decision with my family that I was going to continue hiking or go on my hike. Um, and I just remember people would say, like, oh, that's. That's so good. That's so healthy. You know, it's, it's a great way to to heal or, you know, it's, you know, it's what your father would have wanted. Um, and the reality is, like, I wanted to do that, like the last thing I wanted to do was, you know, deal with the fact that I had just lost my father and, like, helping my mother settle estates and figure that out and plan memorial services and shit. And I mean, for my whole family, it was a reason for us to all take time and not deal with all of the stresses of that right away. But, you know, um. What my father would have wanted? No, that's just, I just don't feel like, like that's it. You know, what my father would have wanted was to live the rest of his days in Miami like his, his favorite place, living in the same house that he lived in forever, and blah, blah, blah. And you know what? Like, the reality is that's what he got. He got to leave this world on a very normal day. He woke up in his home in Miami and got on his bike and had plans to help a neighbor do something that day. And that's like that's exactly what he got. He got to leave this world doing exactly what he wanted.

August 11th: Marlin tells about how his dad died. Murry woke up one morning in March, went on his usual bike ride … and then something happened. Nobody saw what happened. But Murry ended up at a hospital, unconscious, with a head injury.  He was put in a medically induced coma. He was admitted under the wrong name, which meant it took a while for the family to find him. For a few weeks, the family is in logistical hospital hell. 

Marlin Sill: I couldn't really tell you what happened on what day. But I just remember every day was like there was a mission. There was something we had to do, like whether it was, you know, we have to get his DNR and we have to get that to the hospital. Um, and like normally you think like, oh, he's got a DNR here, I just handed and they put it in his chart. Well now like it took us, I want to say like a day and a half to get his DNR filed and registered because his DNR is not what the, the hospital will file it, but they won't use that specifically. Like they need to have a whole nother sheet that's theirs that they print off. And then my mom's confused about, like why it says these certain things. And so every day was just a mission and like the simplest task of, you know, honestly, just filing a DNR would take, you know, 24 to 36 hours for us to go through all the right channels, like getting his phone back, which should have been a no brainer. It took us like four days just to like get the charge nurse to talk to security, to get them to open the vault where they keep personal belongings. And it was all because like, you know, they admitted him as Murry Hicks instead of Murry Sill. And so they needed proof that he was who we said he was and that we were actually his family. And then they totally believed us, but they just had to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. And like it was, there was a surprising amount of like bullshit that had to happen for just like the simplest things. Um, and meanwhile, like, my dad sitting there, you know, wiggling his feet and his legs every now and then.

Marlin Sill: I'm 33 years old. You could call me a grown man, but like, I feel like I'm sitting there and I'm a child. Like, I'm a child trying to figure out what's best for my dad.

Marlin Sill: We're sitting there in the hospital and then the brain surgeon comes in and he, you know, we're talking and he mentions all the tests that they've done. And it's just a matter of being patient. And that two weeks is like a good time to give him from the time of the accident to see improvement. And I, I, you know, emergency medicine, very limited information on, like, what happens in hospitals. But I remember looking at him and saying, so what does the EEG say?

Marlin Sill: the EEG comes back and I don't know how, how you score these things, but his score was brain dead.

[MORNING SOUNDS AMBI]

August 29th:

Marlin Sill: I just saw my third bear the day, the first two or this morning. They're a couple young grizzlies. Which is really exciting. We both scared the absolute bejesus out of each other. Hey, bear! Um, and then just now, I saw a tiny little black bear cub. He was so cute. Um, but as you might know, cubs means momma somewhere by. Hey, bear!! And which is why I'm yelling, Hey, bear. And freaking out a little bit. Because it's almost 8:00 in the evening. Still plenty of light out. But, you know, good to talk to myself out loud that way. Anything that's nearby, you'll hear me got my bear spray out, safety off. I'm ready to fuck up a bear or myself with pepper spray, if at all necessary.

[STREAM AMBI]

[CHINESE WALL RAIN AMBI]

Marlin Sill: Today's August 6th, 2022, and my dad would have turned 69 today. So you can hear it's raining, and it's been raining since sometime last night. Um, I woke up and it was raining. I'm a cold, wet mess.

Marlin Sill: Pretty much within 10 minutes of walking this morning, the mud was so bad, it was caked on the bottom of my shoes like an inch thick, and I had to stop every hundred feet to kick and scrape off the mud on there for fear of breaking my ankles on some high heel mud of doom situation. Anyways.

Marlin Sill: Dear Dad. Happy 69th birthday. I'm sure you would have gotten a kick out of that number with some joke or something. You would have smiled or grinned ... or the corner of your mouth would have poked up under that mustache of yours. It's the kind of weather you always hated, today, on trail. It's rainy and cold and misty. And somehow it's fitting ... that you miss this day. And that I miss you. And as miserable as hiking in the rain and the cold is... It's not as miserable as... as you not being here. I love you, Dad. Happy birthday. 

[EVENING BIRD SONG AMBI]

Marlin Sill: Today is September 5th. It's day 134. But yesterday, on September 4th, I completed my through hike of the Continental Divide Trail. I touched the terminus at the border of Canada and Montana in Glacier National Park. Had a little celebration and some champagne. Well, actually cava and brute, but that's fine. Who's counting? Um, yeah. And so I spent today hiking back from the border into Glacier to trailhead. And I don't know, I don't feel that same sense of accomplishment I had when I checked the PCT [Pacific Crest Trail] or even really the AT [Appalachian Trail]. Okay, I did it. I did my Triple Crown. I take them and maybe it just hasn't hit me yet, but I thought I'd be a little more emotional than I am or even was. You know, I think we tend to ascribe meaning to these, these big accomplishments. And in the end, like, I don't know, what did it go to prove? Okay, I knew I could do this. So doing it was really just providing the evidence to the fact that I am a badass, but. I don’t know. I don't feel that different. I don't feel like any grand realizations or momentous emotions. In the end, my dad is still dead and finishing this trail means I get to go spend time with my mom and family.

Marlin Sill: It's all fucked. It's all fucked. It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it or what book you read or who tells you to do one thing. How like none of it. It's just kind of like you're listening with numb ears. You just nod your head. You know, feign, feign the fact that you're listening and hope that they'll just shut up, stop talking at some point. But I finished the trial. It’s what I was going to do either way. And it’s, it’s what I did.

Marlin Sill: 2500 miles for this one. It's not every mile that's available, but it's every mile I was going to hike. So, yeah, that's what I did. And honestly, anyone who says it's not the only thing, you know, it's way longer than you took out. And it's like, whatever bullshit, you're sitting on your couch. Okay, don't give a shit what you think. Do you think you could do it better? Why don't you pick up the football and start playing for the Steelers, huh? I don't even know sports, but fuck you. Don't sit on your couch and judge me until you've hiked 7300 miles in my shoes. You don't have any right to tell me what I did was any less than greatness. And that I'm selfish or greedy or doing it wrong. This is my process. I'm not going to give a shit when anybody else thinks about how I do it. So, yeah, you don't like how I like, you know, like how I handle loss and grief. I have two words for you. Get fucked.

[HIGH BIRD SONG AMBI]

We’ll be right back.

[FADE AMBI]

MIDROLL

Act 2: The Memorial

We’re back. 

Marlin finished hiking the Continental Divide Trail on September 4th. He’d been on the trail for 134 days, processing his grief and achieving this huge goal. He finished the Triple Crown. 

It’s been 7 months since his dad died, but the family held off on a funeral and some of the big Grief Admin Stuff until Marlin was back home to do it with them. 

So now he’s back home in Miami, and it’s time to get down to the business of grief.

The family planned a memorial for November 6th, and Marlin invited us to attend. Marcel and I were on tour, but our producer Claire McInerny hopped on a plane and went to Florida to attend a funeral for a stranger. Very Catholic of her. She picks up the story from here.  

CLAIRE NARRATION BEGINS

I landed in Miami Saturday morning, the day before Murry’s memorial. I met Marlin at his family’s house, where he had been all week. This is the house he grew up in, and after Murry died his mom decided to sell it. She’d been wanting to leave Miami for years, and when she sold the house, her plan was to stay with her sister until she figured out where she wanted to live next. This week before the memorial is also the last week they own this house. 

I had been listening to Marlin’s tape from the trail in the days leading up to this visit, so I feel like I already know him. Once I meet him in person, he’s just as open in person as he was talking into his phone. 

The family house is a small pink bungalow, with palm trees in the front yard towering over the small house. It’s in the middle of a neighborhood called Coconut Grove, which has huge, old palm trees and lots of older homes. There are wild peacocks that roam the neighborhood, and I was warned to not approach them. 

Marlin: This house was built, I think in the forties. and my mom bought, like I want to say back in the eighties it was either 78 or 81 or something like that.

Marlin: And then, yeah, just over time, it's like Miami blew up. Like this area got really popular because it's like a small, quaint neighborhood. It's got old trees and things like that, and it's very tropical.

Marlin and I sat in the backyard of the house. It’s fairly quiet back here, even though the house is only 10 minutes from downtown Miami. It’s a gorgeous, lush backyard, filled with so many tropical plants that I’ve never seen. There’s huge palm trees and fruit trees. There’s also random chairs and tables that have clearly been back here for a long time. 

The rest of his family was inside getting ready for a dinner they were hosting that night. They were pretty chill about a woman with a microphone roaming around. 

Marlin: I think if you didn't see the buildings necessarily, or at least the McMansion next door, you would, you could think that we're sitting like in Puerto Rico or like Costa Rica at this point, or any tropical Caribbean location. But it's a very, like, green backyard. There must be like a hundred different types of palm trees back here. Um, we've got, like, small cluster palms and, like, larger carifas. We've got a mango tree and an avocado tree, both of which, like, have had some hurricane damage. So they don't fruit quite as well as they used to.

Marlin: And there's like pictures of us when we were kids, like, in front of these different palm trees, like, I want to say. So this carafe was a lot smaller. And so there's a picture of me when I'm like five or six years old standing in front of it, and it's like a little baby carafe palm, and then like, there's pictures of me like every five or ten years. Like as I grow, I take a picture in front of the palm. And so, like, as the trees growing, so am I.

Claire: So how do you have any emotions around the house and your mom selling the house?

Marlin: Um, not as much as I thought I would have. I kind of. You know, my mom has been jonesing to get out of Miami for a long time, and my dad was the one, like, really dragging his feet on it. And so, you know, I just kind of saw how that was sort of a strain in their relationship. And, I mean, they bought the second house in Asheville probably like four or five years ago. And just before they did that, it was kind of this like my mom had been retired for a while and ready to get out and my dad wasn't really ready to leave. And I was like, I kind of told my dad, like, you really just buy something in Asheville. So she at least has somewhere to get away to like, let's like take some of that stress off the relationship. And I think that helped for a while. But like, my mom just hated like having to come back here every time and deal with it. And it's like it's an old house. Like my parents were very like, very middle class, so, like, they could afford to build an addition or, like, fix things and take care of their kids. But it wasn't like, you know, it's not like they could gut it and renovate it to the point where it would be like a real house that wouldn't have problems all the time.

Marlin: I think before my dad got hurt, my mom was happy to, like, settle for the best offer and just kiss the property goodbye and not care what happened. And once the accident happened, there seemed to be a bit more sentimentality to the sale. So, like the people we found to buy the house are like. They like the trees and they're going to gut and renovate it. But they're keeping up like the structure and they're going to add some more to it.

Claire: Are you having like, these thoughts of like, oh, this is the last time I'll sleep here. This is the last time I'll come home to Mom here. And how does that feel?

Marlin: Honestly, it's just been a pain in the ass. Like, I don't I really just don't feel the sentiment around the house that I thought I would. And I think a lot of that is the frustration of, like, how much stuff. And then like, also, like, trying to, like, manage my mother, um, which I think I spoke a lot about at one point, but it's just like, what? Like, she's never used to frustrate me, and now I'm, like, frustrated by little things.

Marlin: And so, like, the whole emotion behind this house right now, it's like a chore. And my dad had like, he had millions of photographs, Like, all we've been doing all week is like taking my mom off a ledge because everything you opened had, like, boxes of photos or negatives or whatever. And then we had to, like, sort through, like if it has any family members, we have to take that because it can't go in the estate sale. And if it has anything to do with his professional career, then we have to like we're sending that with somebody from the Historical Society to catalog.

Marlin’s dad was a photojournalist in his 20s and 30s, and worked for the Miami Herald. He covered a lot of news in Miami and Central America.

Claire: So you're sorting the photographs?

Marlin: Yes, my mom more so than I am. I like open an album, pick one photo and then make a decision based on that. And sometimes the decision is wrong, but I don't care. I would say like more than half of the boxes in the POD are photographs.

Marlin: It's just like so much like you look at the boxes and it says photos and you can tell the photo like the ones we found later in the week because it just said more fucking photos on the box. Um, and then we're like, I'm not even writing what's in them. I just like, shove it in the POD and like, my mom can figure it out in six months. 

Claire: Did you know they're this many photos in the house?

Marlin: I think we all kind of had an inkling that they were photos. But like my dad, just packrat in a way. Like we lifted up the mattress from my parent's bed and everything under a queen sized mattress bed frame was photos like head to toe, side to side. And that was like one of the last places we started to clean out. And we were just like, Are you fucking kidding me? And then there's like binders, like one inch thick binders from, like the entire width of the desk. So that's like five feet. And that was all like photos and negatives.

Claire: Has your grief felt different being here like the last place he lived versus, you've been like on the move for so many months thinking about him, but now you're here. Did the familiarity bring up anything?

Marlin: Um, I think more than anything, it just kind of brought up frustration. Like, just a lot of questions of, like, why? Why was all this necessary? Why did he consider these things treasured enough to, like, keep around? Because it's like it's not like he planned to, like, go on this ride and then dip out. It was just like he was gone. And we were like, Did you plan to leave all this shit for us to deal with? Like when you moved out of this house, were you taking all of this? So yeah, I think on the trail it was more like thinking about, like memories. And here it's like the physical aspect of like dealing with these objects, which for my mom is like frustrating because there's things she wants and she's like emotionally connected to a lot of stuff. And for my sister, she's like trying to get me to empathize.

Marlin was not in a headspace to empathize. Earlier in the week, before I arrived in Miami, I texted Marlin a few questions I wanted him to respond to via voice memo. I wanted to capture his feelings about helping his mom organize his dad’s things and move out of the house while it was happening. The voice memo I received was titled ‘empathize this’ with the middle finger emoji. 

Marlin: The logistics of having to manage my mother like through this packing process and like keeping her focused and on task and like not deviating all the time has been like that's been very difficult.

Marlin: She was saying, like, I only need this. I'm only going to take a few things. And it's just everything is like another thing that's taking, another thing that has to go another, another a little bit more. And it's like, well, you know, I think her reality and mine were very mismatched on that. And yeah, that like I feel myself getting very angry a lot of the time and I try to vent to it, to my sister about it and she is not very good at listening. She's trying to play devil's advocate or trying to like make me empathize. And the reality is, I don't want to empathize. I want, I want to vent about it because I'm not sitting like screaming at my mom about it. I'm just like passively taking whatever she's saying and like storing that anger and then wanting to vent it later. And then the fact that my sister's not allowing a venting process, she's just, like, antagonizing me is like. Oh, God.

Marlin: And she said that, like she says in the moving process, I know that like once I die, you're just going to throw it away. Well, then fucking throw it away. None of us like we don't want it. But emotionally, it means something to her. And because it's so hard for her, like, you can't imagine what she's going through. No, I can't. But did anyone think that, like, maybe we are struggling with this? Maybe I am struggling and having, like, a lot of emotion that's coming out as anger and frustration towards this whole process.

By the time I got to Miami, Marlin was clearly fried. He, his mom, and his sister Savannah had made a lot of progress. There was a full POD – basically a moveable storage unit – on the driveway. A lot of photographs and furniture throughout the house were labeled for an upcoming estate sale. His mom didn’t quite know where she wanted to live next, but she was ready to part with a lot of the things in this house. 

As Marlin and I sat in the backyard, we watched through the back windows of the house as more people arrived. His aunt, uncle, a few cousins, and some really close friends.

Claire: What's the event tonight like? What's going on here at the house tonight?

Marlin: So this is just like a little kind of family gathering.

Marlin: And, um, I don't know, I'll just, like, a thing that my dad really liked. He was always like a host in a dinner party or a yard party kind of person. And so, like, he really likes stone crab claws and champagne, that was kind of like his way of being fancy. And so, like, when he first died, like that day, Savannah went out and bought, like, all the crab claws out of the supermarket and got a bunch of champagne.

Marlin: I think it's just like a way for us to get together before, like, the giant, massive chaos tomorrow. Um, because, like, essentially, you know, after Sunday, like, everyone's dispersing pretty quickly. So it's just going to be an interesting like, you know, this is kind of like our last family meal at the house.

We go into the kitchen from the sliding door on the side of the house, and it’s crowded. 

“Do you need help Savannah?”
“No, I think Marlin is going to give me a hand with that.” 

Marlin’s sister is laying out crab claws on the counter, and they take up the entire surface. 

Savannah: So specifically stone crab claws. So stone crab is only harvested a few months of the year, but it was just one of those special occasion type of foods that we do. The trick is always get medium claws, specifically medium claws, you never want extra large, there is so much claw and not enough meat. So medium you get a better proportion of meat to claw ratio as dad taught us.

Random Uncle: Ever done a spreadsheet on this?

Savannah: I have not, but I don’t need to. So yeah, we have 12 pounds of claws for tonight.

When it’s time to eat, Marlin and Savannah put on chef’s coats and take the huge pile of crack claws to the patio table in the backyard. 

Savannah: Watch your hand … this is not the appropriate location…
Claire: Is this a homemade crab claw…
Marlin: This is a Murry Sill original!
Savannah: A one of a kind
Marlin: Normally he would do this himself, but we’re just not as good as him, so the tandem crack is what we’re working with these days.

[SOUND OF CRAB CLAWS CRACKING]

They’re using a homemade claw cracker their dad built. The base is a small piece of wood, and there’s another piece of wood that looks like a handle, attached to the base with a hinge. Marlin and Savannah put one of the claws on the base, then they both slam the handle down to crack the claw. 

Savannah: Three boxes should be good, at least to start. We’ve got two more to go.  

[WALKING INTO THE HOUSE]

Savannah and Marlin take the platter of claws to the dining room table where the group of a dozen people are sitting. Their mom, Ricky, stands up and holds her glass of champagne toward the group. 

All: “Here’s to you Murry Sill!” [GLASSES CLINK]

 “Cheers to Murry!”

Marlin: You can stay in Miami, we’re out. [LAUGHTER]

Tomorrow is the funeral, and the plan is to have Murry’s friends from different parts of his life speak. Marlin’s sister Savannah will talk about him as a dad. I ask Marlin if he is going to speak.

Marlin: Probably not. Yeah, I think my sister's got that covered and like, yeah, I just don't know if there's anything I really want to say. Like, I've thought about plenty of things I could say while I was hiking, but it just doesn't seem like saying anything is really going to do much for anyone, and I don't think it's going to change how I feel or make me feel any better or any worse. It's. I think what most people are looking for is like some connection to my father through people. And I think the best thing I can offer them is like being present enough at that. They like open house tomorrow to just like talk to people and listen to them, which is like really annoying because the last thing I want to do is hear people talk about my dad for 2 hours. But you know, at least I can be present enough to say hi.

Claire: And why is that annoying to you at this moment?

Marlin: Um. Because to me it just feels like people are trying to like, relive the memory of my father. And it's like I am not really interested in like, hearing their, their story of my father or like their, their view of him. At least not yet. I think maybe I will in the future. Or maybe I've gotten over it at this point. But it's like, I don't know. I've kind of put this to rest for now. Like, I'm just so exhausted with, like, all the work that has had to happen and things like that. It's like, can I just, like, not think about it for once? Like, can I, can I think about literally anything else? And that's like, you know, I think why I'm so, like, antsy to get back to Tahoe because it's like snowing now and like, resorts are starting to open and it's like, wow, I could be doing something that, like, really helps me. Like, that makes me happy. And I can't yet.

[CHURCH ORGAN MUSIC]

The next morning is Murry’s memorial.  It’s at the Presbyterian Church where he was a member, which is this amazing old stone church. It has two little towers on the facade and there’s ivy growing on one side - it really looks more like a church you’d see in rural England than Florida. 

Marlin: Yeah, It's a fun spot. I say fun. I never liked going to church. It's pretty. It's cool. It's very South Florida. 

Marlin: I'm really hoping this place has good air conditioning cause.

Claire: It's hot today.

Marlin: Yeah, and I wore too much. Like, this is the nicest clothes I wear or have. And I wasn't going to rent a black suit for this, so.

Claire: No you look very south, South Florida Funeral chic, I guess.

Marlin: (laughing) I guess. I put on this peacock, what is this a fucking Bolo tie? I put this bolo tie on and my sister goes, You look like a Texas reverend. And I was like, if Texas reverends are gay.

We walk into the church, where a three piece jazz band is playing at the front. 

Guest:  Hey Marlin. Tony.
Marlin: Hey, Tony.
Guest: You remember my mom, Carol?
Guest: I knew this would be a fun affair. I didn't know there would be a three piece.
Marlin: Right. Yeah. Well, there's more fun to come. Don't worry. It's anything like my father, it'll go off the rails at some point.
Guest: You're hoping?
Marlin: I might instigate it. 

Chatter fades

Marlin (to Claire): I have no idea who that is.

Eventually the jazz band stops playing. 

Pastor: … what you’re giving to Murry's family is the most sacred thing you can give to anyone or anything, and that is the gift of your time …

The minister gives a short eulogy about Murry, and then friends and family give speeches. Marlin doesn’t give a eulogy, but at the end, he invites everyone in the church to the family’s house for a reception.

And that’s it. The formal grieving events are over. Two days later, Marlin takes a 5 a.m. flight back to Lake Tahoe, where he starts to get ready for the ski season, where he works as a ski patrol. 

When we come back, we check in with Marlin a couple months later. 

MIDROLL

Act 3: After the Memorial

We’re back.

Dec 15: we check in with Marlin. It’s been a month since the memorial. When Marlin left Miami, the family decided at the last minute to have someone else manage an estate sale at their family home.

Marlin Sill: It was kind of strange. I didn't feel very, like connected to the house either way at the time. At first I had it in my mind. I was going to, like, come back and see the house and like, get rid of everything and help clear it out. And then kind of at the last minute, it was like, Oh, we're going to have somebody do this for us and it's going to save us a lot of hassle and pain.

Marlin Sill: I don't think at the time I was really, I really cared that much about it. I was honestly more relieved in the end. I was like, Oh, great, one less thing to do and one less thing to deal with. Once I finally gotten settled here and like, kind of had some routine, I definitely did start to notice like, kind of a lot of nostalgia that I didn't really have at the time and just kind of. Yeah. Like now, thinking back about. About things that like I won't ever see again or, you know, questions I had, those are just going to live as mysteries probably because, you know, a lot of what was in there is gone and sold and or thrown out.

Marlin Sill: I've had a couple very specific dreams where, like, I'm in the house or the backyard and like looking at things and just like, it's almost like I'm looking at something that holds a memory or holds some sort of, like emotional weight to it. And then like, as I'm walking through that dream, like, I start to realize that it's a dream because I know those things don't exist anymore.

Marlin Sill: It's funny because the irony is that in the moment when it was happening, I was like, Let's throw it all out. Let's get it all gone. Let's not think or deal with this. And now that you know, things are gone. It's almost this feeling of like. I'm not sure what I'm missing. And there's a lot of, a lot of fear and grief. In not knowing what's gone.

During our check in, we asked Mariln about his Thanksgiving. It was the first holiday without his dad.

Marlin Sill: Christmas holidays have not really been a family thing. It's always been Thanksgiving. And so I think that was like the other hard part was like Thanksgiving was always our family's holiday. And so I think having missed the last like three Thanksgivings, I felt like a lot of weight and pressure to be present and with my family for this Thanksgiving. And I almost wonder if that pressure to be there made it more exhausting because it was like I felt like I had to be there, but I didn't feel like I wanted to be there in a way.

Marlin Sill: I found myself, like, emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time, like just wanting to not associate with people and maybe not just people, but like not wanting to associate with family in a way just because it feels like. It's is strange because everyone knows what's what's happened and everyone is like. You can tell they're not trying to walk on eggshells, but at the same time, you can there's just like this subtle veneer that exists where it's like everything's not okay, but we're trying to, like, walk through in this, like, somewhat normal way with this, like, anticipation that, like, anyone could, like, lose it at any time. So it's like just this delicate waltz of, like, dealing with family and conversing and how are you doing? And like, is it just it's like, uncomfortable the way like it's uncomfortable to sit when you have, like, damp underwear. It's that, like, ever present subtle itch that you can't really scratch and you don't want to, like, stand up and walk around, but you can't really sit because it doesn't feel comfortable.

Another thing that’s been on his mind is the stress of his job. He’s a ski patrol at a ski resort in Lake Tahoe, which is like an EMT on the mountainside. And Marlin loves this job because he gets to help people and he gets to ski all day. But this season, it’s feeling different. 

Marlin Sill: We had to watch some sort of snow safety video the other day, which was like, you know, it's all about slope safety and how to ski and ride safely and things like that. But they put in these like tear jerker moments of like patrollers who've responded to individuals who die in the mountain or like a family who lost their five year old daughter because a snowboarder hit them at like 50 miles an hour. Things that like these are all like videos I've seen before, having worked for Vail that were just kind of like, not really like it was just kind of like snooze fest stuff that I could just like power through and not like it didn't bother me. And I found myself like. Very shaken from it. Like, even though I'm, like, sitting in a room with eight other people watching this and I'm like. Having like, an extremely emotional response to it. And then I found myself, like. Worrying about how like I am going to be able to respond and act. You know, for people who might end up, you know, in a very serious, like, life threatening situation. Like the first major wreck I did as a ski patroller was a woman who hit her head pretty bad and was like repetitive every 30 seconds. And, you know, this is before everything happened. So I you know, I responded and what I thought was, like, very prudent and professional and appropriate and quick. But I worry like, you know, have I if I had that same wreck again. Now like. Would I be able to? Like put the emotions aside to manage that. 

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A couple more months pass, and we check in with Marlin in February.

Marlin Sill: I just like, kept waking up for work and being like, Wow, I just don't really feel like I know what I'm doing. And I feel really like, just kind of like I'm drowning and not. Able to focus. And then I finally had a weekend and it's like I woke up probably at seven and didn't get out of my bed until like 11 or 12, like, just couldn't. And I had all these things that I had to do and needed to do and just. Couldn't even bring myself to do them. And it was probably one of the weirdest, like probably one of the most depressive episodes I think I've ever had and wasn't really like. I couldn't really pinpoint anything that was making it happen or like making me feel that way.

Marlin Sill: I kept feeling like everything in my life was breaking. And like, every time I would fix one thing, three more things would break. And it was just this continuous, like, I'm not getting any forward momentum. And so. I think a lot of it just felt like, well, if I can't like getting up to try and deal with anything, inevitably causes other things to break. So why even bother getting up to do anything about it at a certain point?

Marlin Sill: Like, I have a very large physical capacity for, like, work and drive and endurance and, um, you know, it's hard for me because I can. Hike 2000 miles across the country, whether I'm like, emotionally. High or low. I can keep doing that and get through in that. Like in some way. Eventually, I know I'll bounce back and I think this is the first time that, like physically I was so exhausted that. The thought of things breaking and me not having the energy to deal with it was like a pretty big emotional hit for me just because, like, I think of myself as a very handy person and like able to problem solve. And that's something I got from my father. And like, you know, he could fix a lot of things and do a lot of things and make a lot of things happen. And I kind of like took that on. It just seems like I was at a point last week where I had nothing left to give and I almost just wanted to give up entirely.

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It’s now the present day. March 2023. Murry Sill died last April. The anniversary is approaching, and it’s entirely common for your body to take notice of these things before your mind really does.

Marlin Sill: I guess like nobody feels like themselves when they experience, like, loss and tragedy. But as far as like, where I can track myself is like. You know, in my 33 years of existence, like, I felt like I was reacting pretty normally to the situation. And then last week. Yeah, it was like I had no control of my thoughts or. My body and. Was just like, yeah, going through the motions and just like everything was playing out in front of me like a screen and I was just falling asleep in the audience like this, letting it happen.

Marlin Sill: Thinking about the anniversary is a little strange for us, or at least for me, because the accident itself was like when everything, when everything changed. There was a lot of uncertainty in the weeks following. And then his actual death was like, almost seemed like a relief. 

We have these books we use, like these little spiral bound right in the reins that I keep in my radio harness at work. And it's where I like, write notes and write down training things or like patient information or missing, you know, anything I need to write down. I put it in there and there's a page just in the middle of that book that I'd like flip to and everything. When I got the phone call and it's just like label Dad's missing, call these places a checklist like. And. I want to say periodically in the last couple of weeks, as I've gotten back into working and using that book, like I'll randomly flip through and like, see that page. And I don't think it sparks any immediate raw nerve. But it is just like this conscious memory. Like. Right. This is like. You know, it's still here. It's still present, even though, like I have all these other things in this book about, like patients and trainings and notes of things to do. It's just like there's still that one page of reminder that, you know, it's there and it's not going away. And like, I could totally just ask my boss for a new book and it wouldn't be a big deal. But I kind of have this like. You know, they offered one to me at the start of the season and I was like, I don't know, I won't, I don't want to let go of this one yet. And so I think there's some like. Emotional attachment to that.

Marlin Sill: I also wonder if I was there, if I would have done the right things or if I would have had too much emotional attachment to recognize like the symptoms and what's going on. It comes down to a sense of like control. And I think that's a big part of like through hiking and doing what I do is that like I have a large sense of control of myself and my surroundings and what I'm doing. And not having a sense of control is like, very difficult. 

Marlin Sill: I’ve like spent the summer hiking, which gave me a lot of emotional comfort in a way. Now that I've lived in Tahoe for a couple months and like been working and doing adult life things. I'm kind of like, I'm getting to a point where I'm less distracted with constant change in movement and more distracted with, like, the monotony of daily life and having to deal with things on a daily basis when I'm like physically exhausted and obviously becoming emotionally, emotionally spent.

Marlin Sill: I was out somewhere. I was at a bar or I saw somebody and they were look, they were surprised that I was in town. They were like, Oh, I thought you left. You went on a hike and I thought you weren't coming back. And now I'm back. And so it's kind of that feeling of like, people keep seeing me here and there and they just never assume I'm actually staying. Somewhere I have a desire to be rooted. And, like, settled. And I think what's difficult is that I'm trying to settle and like create roots and that as things keep coming up, I just keep feeling like the option is give up or go hike. And those are I don't think those are healthy approaches to. When things go wrong necessarily, because both of them are avoiding the issue.

I’ve seen and practiced many unhealthy approaches to grief. And I’ve seen a lot of incredibly innovative ways people have tried to avoid it, outrun it, or opt out of it. 

And Marlin didn’t ask me, But I don’t think his hike was avoiding the issue, and I don’t think his approach has been unhealthy. And I hope, hearing this, he hears what we heard as we made this episode: a person experiencing the depths of loss, the fullness of their own humanity. A person who has brought his grief with him to the tops of mountains, to the pews of a church, to a soaking wet tent. A person who has walked alongside his loss, and let it take him by the hand. What else can we do but try to create some kind of safe route through this unfamiliar terrain? I do not hear a person who has avoided his grief, or given up. I hear a person who is experiencing it.

Marlin Sill: So it kind of just feels like a like a survival situation in some ways. Which thankfully like. Like. I'm used to that in a lot of ways and I think through hiking has kind of helped with that. Because, when you're hiking, there's, you just accept that there are certain things you can control and other things you can't. And like, if you're tent's broken, it's just fucking broken and you just have to sleep on the ground without a tent or like in the tent set up as shittily as possible, if that's what you need to do. And like if you get wet, you get wet and that's just what's going to happen and you have no control over that, then you just have to like. Pick yourself up and keep walking and move on from that. Because like, yeah, when you're a 50 or 100 miles out from a road, like. You know, quitting isn't an option. It's either go forward or go backward and... You know, it's often just easier to keep going forward. So I kind of feel like, you know, these things are happening. And I'm like, Well, okay, so the end of the world, we just keep going. Just keep figuring it out and things will work out as they work out.

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CREDITS

Thank you to Marlin for allowing us into his emotional space for the last year. 

Thank you to Marlin, Savannah and Ricky Sill for letting us spend time with their family in Miami and attend Murry’s memorial service.