Update: The Beautiful Ones

Four years ago, Nora sat down with her friend Gigi to tell the story of … Gigi’s face. It was a story about confidence and beauty (and beauty standards) and chronic illness, and it has touched so many people since we first aired it. Today, you’ll hear that first conversation with Gigi, plus an important update on what’s going on with Gigi’s health … and with her face.

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Gigi runs a shop called Gigi’s Flair Emporium. Check it out! She also has a GoFundMe here.

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Transcripts may not appear in their final version and are subject to change.

Hello. It’s Nora. (Obviously.)

Four years ago, I sat down with my friend Gigi to tell the story of … her face. It’s also a story about confidence and beauty, beauty standards and chronic illness, and it has touched so many people since we first aired it.

So many of you have reached out in the years since to ask: How’s Gigi? Where’s Gigi? What’s going on with Gigi?

Today you’ll hear that first conversation with Gigi, plus an important update on what’s going on with Gigi’s health, with her face. And if you have not heard her story yet, you get the bonus of getting an update right away! Instant gratification!

Here we go.

I’m Nora McInerny, and this is “Terrible, Thanks for Asking.” And this is Gigi.

Gigi: Yessss! Thank you for having me, I’m excited.

Gigi is a person who does things. Who GOES TO THINGS. Like me … I’m a person who goes ... to bed early every night. That’s a place, right?

Gigi is everywhere. If you go out in Minneapolis — to First Avenue, to the drag brunches, to any concert ... you’re gonna see Gigi.

Gigi: I stand out in my crowd of friends, and pretty much anywhere, because I'm a tall, loud, outspoken Black woman. And I really, really, really embrace every part of me. Like, I want, I wanted to be seen.

So one day, a few years ago, Gigi was at a concert. It’s this big yearly event here in Minneapolis called Rock the Garden. It’s big and loud, like concerts usually are.

Gigi: And I yawned and my face — I felt a crack. And I noticed swelling on the side of my face before, but I thought maybe my face was just getting fat. Maybe I was gaining weight. And so I yawned and I heard a crack, and I was like, “That's weird.” And it didn't hurt but it was also weird to hear a crack like that.

Nora: At, like, a concert, where you’re like-

Gigi: All I did was yawn. 

Now, it’s just a yawn, and a crack. But of course, it’s not just a yawn and a crack. It’s a warning sign. 

Gigi is the queen of Minneapolis Twitter. That is a thing we have here in Minneapolis. Twitter is like a small town within Minneapolis, where everyone knows each other. I really don’t know if that exists in other places, but it’s very real here. And Gigi, or omg-i-g-i … get it? O-m-Gigi? It’s a good handle. Gigi is a centerpiece of that scene.

And that’s actually a pretty incredible thing, because Gigi isn’t FROM here. She was born and raised in Atlanta, which maybe doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Minneapolis is a hard place to move to. We’re kind of notorious for it, actually, for being a place that is Minnesota Nice, which basically means we’ll be nice to you, but we made all of our friends in middle school or high school and that’s enough for us!

Gigi, though, moved here after college. 

And if you follow her on social media, you can see she did not have a hard time making friends. If you follow her on social media, you’ll see her hot takes on pop culture and politics and you will see … her. You’ll see tons of photos of her, most of them taken by her friend Darrin. 

Gigi: Yeah, I love the ones where I'm looking off to the side, like, profile shots because I feel like I have a nice profile. I love photos where they're very, like, casual. Like, I'm not really posing. I'm just being me. I love when we're at the events that we do together, like for you know various stuff around the cities, And he’ll need to test the light and he’ll just be like, “Here, Gigi, take a photo.” And it’ll be a very casual photo of me just standing there. And I’ll have my phone in my hand because I’m not expecting it. He just needs to test the light. And he's just such a great photographer that, you know, it was just very natural for him to, like, catch me like, and as me, as, you know, how I ... how I want to be portrayed and stuff. I mean it makes me feel good.

There are lots of photos of Gigi, romping all over town. Photos that are posed, photos that are candid, photos that are all beautifully lit. Photos that are just … beautiful.

You may know her face, but you would not know the story of her face. You may see photos, but you would not know why there are so many.

You may think, “Oh, this, this lady loves herself.” Or even, “Huh, I mean, a little full of herself.” That’s my Minnesota accent. But you wouldn’t know why loving herself — and loving how she looks — is so meaningful to her.

So being at that concert, hearing that crack … that’s not the first time that Gigi has felt something in her face. Back in middle school, she’d had a little cyst removed from her jaw. And it wasn’t a big deal. They just scooped it out. That is an evocative and kind of gross image, but I said it. 

What Gigi remembers about that cyst (and its scooping) is that her mom was so nervous. But middle school Gigi wasn’t nervous. Middle school Gigi was concerned about the important stuff.

Gigi: You know, when the minute he said, “We don't want you in PE because we don't want to like things flying at your face.” And I'm thinking like “Clueless,” and I'm like, “Will balls fly at my face?” You know?

Nora: “There goes your social life.”

Gigi: Yes. And like, I’m like, oh my god I get to skip PE. This is great. I don't have to have PE, I have a free period, what. And so you know it looks like on one hand you're thinking this isn't going to affect my life. On the other hand you're like, “Wow I actually have this thing in my and my face. So ... it was very, about small, and they just scooped it out.

See? They scooped it out. [laughs] Keep saying it. 

What Gigi had was called an ameloblastoma. It’s a benign tumor, which means it’s not cancer. 

Nora: How much had that surgery, you know, impacted your day-to-day life? 

Gigi: Never. It never left us. That was the whole thing. There is nothing, like, visible that showed that that happened. It was literally cut open in my jaw, scooped it out. And that was it.

For a while, until she was almost done with college, that WAS it.

That was it, until Gigi started to notice some jaw pain. 

Gigi: It hurt like a toothache would. So I would take a little ibuprofen, but it didn't hurt, it didn't ache like, "oh, I need help right now.” It never, it wasn't like this painful thing. It was kind of like there. It was an annoyance more than anything. What annoyed me most and what actually got me to the doctor was the fact that it was growing so big, and it looked like a softball. It looked like I had a giant like, what do you call those things? Like a jawbreaker in my mouth at all times.

If you’re thinking, “How did you not notice a jawbreaker in your mouth?” I mean, college is a real special time, isn’t it? I mean, I had mono for so long that my liver almost failed, and I did not notice! So Gigi does notice the jawbreaker, but she's in college, so she just … works with it.

Gigi: Like, I knew my angles. Like, when I took photos with my girlfriends I, you know, I knew I didn't like to eat on that side of my face because it would hurt a little bit. I knew to stay away from crunchier foods because I didn't like the way it felt on that side of my mouth. 

Gigi does, eventually, go to her doctor, and he sends her to a specialist. And that specialist says to her, “Hey, remember that ameloblastoma from middle school? It’s back.” That’s what the jawbreaker is, by the way. It’s that ameloblastoma, which is so big that the doctor’s surprised she can even talk. And this time, it’s not going to be as simple as it was the first time, back when they just scooped it out. This solution is going to be way more intense. The doctor starts telling her …

Gigi: “Okay, so we're going to have to remove some of your teeth on the bottom, because we're basically taking out that whole tumor, that entire part of your jaw. And we're going to replace it with your fibula, make you a brand new jaw. And I'm thinking, “OK, so this is going to be a couple of surgeries.” No, one surgery. 

So, the doctor was going to remove a part of Gigi’s jaw, and then use a part of her fibula, which is your shin bone, to make a new jaw! That is not just a big surgery. That’s also a big recovery.

Gigi: I was going to be in the hospital two weeks. I was going to be in a medically induced coma for a few days after the removal. I didn't think of all these things. I was just like, “Yeah, I’m gonna go get this done.”

Gigi just wanted to get it over with. She just wanted the tumor out, so she could move on with her life.

The surgery was 14 hours long. And when she woke up from the medically induced coma, her family was there. And so was her new face.

Gigi: There was a mirror in there by the sink, and I could see my face, and I didn't look like me. I was swollen. I looked like that kid from that Mask movie with Cher. I was like, so, and you know, like, of course I care about how I look. I mean I was like you know around 21 so I mean, the bone, the new bone that was in my face that made, they made me a new jaw was settling in. The teeth, you really can't tell I didn't have teeth. Like right now I still don't have those teeth. 

Gigi was 21. Now that the surgery was over and the tumor was out, she wanted to just GET ON WITH HER LIFE. She wanted to finish school, get a job, and be a grown-up already. So she told her doctors, speed it all up — all the physical therapy, the emotional therapy, all of it. For her face and for her leg, which was still healing.

Gigi quickly went from a walker to a cane. But not just any cane ...

Gigi: It was leopard print. I was so happy. I used the cane for a little bit, and I felt good. And my rehab, I did it. And I got it done. So when I graduated in 2011, I accepted a job up here in Minneapolis. I knew I was going to, like, be like a star, because, like, within the first two weeks there, I got my first promotion. And that felt good, because my mom was like, “Gigi, are you sure? It’s so cold up there. And did you see that video of that ice falling into that dome and …” And I was like, “No. I mean, Mom, it’s just snow.” And then when I got here and I'm, like, literally crying walking to a bus stop. And I realized I shouldn’t have been, you know, like that.

Nora: You were probably at a bus stop wearing like cute shoes and like a fashion jacket. Like you're like, “Oh this is like a fall jacket.” No! Like Minnesota is no place to be cute, at all. Like winter, we're like, buckle in. OK? Buckle into your snowsuit. Like oh my gosh when you go to Uptown you see, like, these girls and you're like, “Put your pants back on. You are outside. It is not, this is not a city to try to go to a club wearing a dress, ever. OK?”

Gigi: That's hilarious. I learned very quick to keep my cute shoes at my desk and then go to work in my boots.

Gigi worked in customer service at a big retailer here in Minneapolis. And she was really good at her job. I mean, obviously – she was promoted after two weeks.

And she was really good at Minneapolis. She made friends, and built a following here on social media. She was offered ANOTHER job, with more responsibility, and she took it. 

Gigi: And I remember that day very vividly because I had some mini corn dogs, and I felt really good about that day. [Nora laughs.]  At lunch, because I was like, “Wow we had mini corn dogs at lunch. This is a great day!” And then I gave my two weeks.

Gigi was basically the Black Mary Tyler Moore throwing her beret in the air. She made it after all!

Gigi: I'm doing great and feeling good. I'm like you mentioned Queen of Minneapolis. I’m having, a great, a more work-life balance and I'm able to do what I want, go to the concerts I want to go to. Go to festivals and be where I want to be. Volunteer where I want to be. I'm able to put my energy into a lot of things that don't just concern work. 

Gigi is a glamorous woman. She has great make-up (again, follow her for all the finds she uncovers at Marshalls and TJMaxx). Amazing hair. Outfits that are always on point. 

Gigi: I love experimenting with my style and my hair, my clothes, my accessories, my makeup, my nails, any kind of expression. I love thinking outside the box of what I want to, like, be ... how I want folks to perceive me.

You notice Gigi. You don’t notice her scars right away, but she’s aware of them.

Gigi: The scar on my face healed nicely, and it is visible, it is behind my ear and under my neck and is visible. I would get a lot of questions about it because at the time I had shorter hair and I wore it behind my ear. I was very self-conscious about the scar on my leg. It is huge. And I was very self-conscious about it. I never wore shorts or skirts or dresses for that reason. 

So, that outdoor concert. Four years had passed since she got out of college … since her last surgery. When Gigi felt that crack in her face, she knew it wasn’t good. And she’s a grown-up, a grown-up who’s already been through two facial surgeries, so she knows that the responsible thing to do is to go see a doctor right away. She goes to an ENT here in Minneapolis who has all her records, and he takes a look.

Gigi: You know, “I've read about your history and everything and I, you know would like to do a biopsy if you don't mind.” And it wasn’t like a biopsy where they had to check me in and do actual surgery. He just did it in the room and got a sample and everything. They cut open where my surgery was before. Got a few samples right up in there, in my lower jaw area. And I felt good about it, you know, because nobody was saying anything different. They're not calling it anything because they don't know. 

So far, no big deal! Gigi goes back a week later.

Gigi: And he says, “Gigi you know I do want to confirm for you, it is your ameloblastoma. It is. It has come back, and it's more aggressive than it was before.” And I was like, “Um … you're wrong because they took that out. So redo the tests. Got to be something else.” And he was like “No this is a very ... very aggressive form.” He was like, “It’s literally behind your eye. He was like, it's literally eaten away at that side of the face. It's behind your eyes, behind your nose.” 

Gigi: So four years after I moved here, I've gone on with my life for four years, like this new life in Minneapolis. And here it was again. I ... it was hard to ... in the moment you're thinking, oh why is that back? You know in my head I'm thinking, why couldn't they get it all? And the way it was explained to me is: They took out what they could see, you know? And these little cells they leave behind, they're super aggressive, and they can be ... you can't get all of them all the time. 

Those cells had grown and multiplied, and were now, as the doctor put it, eating Gigi’s face. 

Nora: What would that tumor have done a second time, if it had continued to grow? 

Gigi: It would have gone behind my eye and I could have been blind behind my eye. Behind my left eye. So when they did the surgery, they were like, “Yeah you know if we ... go so far in, you might be blind on that side.” And I was like “Oh, OK, you know whatever I got another eye.” 

She sounds cool here, casual, not too worried. But I mean, when someone tells you that your entire face is being eaten by a tumor, a tumor that could have blinded you or killed you …

Gigi: I actually worried about this tumor every single day. This time, my anxiety was peaked, you know what I mean? Like I was like ... it's back again. What if this doesn't work? Or what if it comes back, and, you know, they call it a mutation. What if they come back and mutates as cancer ... and then it kills me? Or what if it takes over the right side of my face, and I have nerve damage over there. I’m just going to be walking around with like … like, half a face, you know?

After big moments like this, when you think the world should stop … it doesn’t. There’s always something mundane that you have to do. Like go get gas, pick up milk, go to work. Which is where Gigi has to go. The day after finding out that a tumor she thought was gone forever is now back and BIGGER than ever, Gigi had to sit down at her same desk, answer the phone, and help people with their computer problems.

Gigi: “OK well ... may I log onto your computer with you and see what's going on?” You know? And this man is like yelling at me about, like, the Photos app, and I'm like, I’m literally like, I just was like, “All right. All right, hold on.” And I just transferred him, and I like, when I'm Facetiming my boss, I’m like, “Look, I can't do this, like I can't talk to these people about their, their iPhones or whatever while I'm dealing with like a tumor in my face.” And she was like, “Excuse me what?” And I was like, “Yeah I'm not feeling very well, I had a panic attack the other day, and I’m probably going to snap at a customer in a minute, so I’m going to take a half day, bye!”

Gigi’s job offered amazing benefits, so she took medical leave to prepare for her surgery. Because this was her THIRD TIME, and she knew just how serious it was. There were a lot of what-ifs this time, though. The size and location of the tumor made this surgery even bigger than the others. 

Gigi: They were talking about how they were going to do the surgery and, they were like, all right, so we’re going to have to shave the side of your, left side of your head. Cut from there. Do another cut under your jaw again. And so I'd be like half-faced. And they would take it off, and I'd be like “That's really cool and all but I mean, you mean you're going shave my head?” Like you know, really, it's really awful. 

We’ll be back.

—

And we’re back.

It’s scary medically to know that somebody is going to remove half your face to get to a tumor. And it’s scary, also, superficially. I don’t mean that it’s a shallow concern, how you look. I mean. I mean that the concern about HOW YOU WILL LOOK is very real and very valid. What do you do when you might lose your face as you know it?

Gigi: Before the surgery, I said, “I'm taking a ton of pictures of myself now because I don't know what I'm going to look like after.”

I’ve seen many of these photos. They’re all so beautiful. Gigi looks regal, stately, even when the setting is a grimy music venue in downtown Minneapolis. She gazes directly at the camera. She owns it. 

And then … it’s time. Gigi goes home to Georgia. To her mother, Beverly, and her aunts and her uncles. She gets the hospital gown. The head shave. The whole thing. She goes under. And 24 hours later ... she’s back in her hospital bed.

Gigi: Seeing myself in the mirror, in the hospital, like the big one, when I could finally turn my body toward it. They were getting me up to walk around, so I wasn't confined to the bed all day, and I looked up and I saw myself and I saw my eye was completely swollen shut. My right, my left eye. I could see my entire lip was completely swollen because one of the incisions went through my lip. The side of my nose was completely flared, it was red, because they cut along the side of my nose. My jaw was, literally looked worse than when I had the abscess and the tumor in there before because it was so swollen from the trauma. And then my chest, like where my trach was, there was still a hole there. That’s like ... you know, when they said tracheotomy, I honestly didn't know what they meant, I was like, OK whatever. But like I didn't know it was literally that one thing that I didn't connect for me. And they always had to keep putting the little tube back in through my nose, you know, my feeding tube because I couldn't eat for weeks either. So that was really traumatic to see like that actual hole there. And, like, seeing all of that, I kept thinking: How am I going to look normal again? Because this looks awful. [Yeah]. Like you know, it was really tough to like see that. But I um … it, it was awful, it was not a good feeling at all. I did not feel beautiful. I didn't feel good, because it, I was hurting but then on top of that … I felt like I looked terrible. And I remember crying. And I couldn't catch my breath when I was crying because I had that trach. So it was like it was really awful. And I felt like that for a very long time. 

So, here is the thing: You’re supposed to be happy to just have your health. You’re supposed to be happy to be alive. You’re supposed to be happy that someone was able to treat you, and that it wasn’t cancer, and that you will live. 

You are not, in a moment like this, supposed to care about how you look.

But … why is that?

For months, Gigi stayed at her mother’s house, trying to heal, and trying to hide away from the world.

Nora: What were your days like? 

Gigi: Gosh, it was like: I would get up. I went to therapy once a week. And then I had physical therapy once a week. And then I would come home, and literally all day I would just sit in my bed, maybe read, be on the Internet, on Tumblr or something to distract myself, watch TV all day. I would be shopping, like, all day. My mom was like, “What are you … you literally are not working right now. What, what?” I would just, you know, keep myself occupied with things. They weren't healthy coping mechanisms at all. Nothing I was doing was, I mean I considered it self-care or whatever, but it really wasn't. It was really destructive. It wasn't good. They were, like, stepping on eggshells around me, because I was a mess. And I feel like I had to get out of that situation because it was helping me or them for me to keep doing that. And, while it's nice to have my support system, I don't feel like being under my mom's wing and having her baby me and my aunts and my uncles and my grandpa babying me was helping me get anything done.

Nora: You were like, “Beverly. Beverly. I disagree with this.” 

Gigi: She knows. I love my mom so much, then you know I've told you this before, it was getting way, like it was getting very “Gray Gardens” in there. Like, it was my mom and I. I love her to death but we are not meant to live together like that.

This entire time, Gigi is on medical leave. She’s in Georgia and is still paying rent on her apartment in MInneapolis. She tells her mom one day she’s going back to Minneapolis to check on her apartment …

Gigi: She did not want me coming here at all. She was, like, very against it. But, she let me come.

Back in Minneapolis, Gigi does check on her apartment. She also sees her friends. And ... she sees Beyonce. Not like, one-on-one in a transformative moment. But in a transformative moment in a stadium with tens of thousands of other fans. 

For the first time in a long time, Gigi was back in her city, back in her element, doing … what she always did before a big show. Getting ready.

Gigi: I remember feeling really good. I remember feeling like myself. I remember putting so much thought and energy into what I was wearing. 

Nora: What did you wear?

Gigi: I wore the prettiest dress. It was just a black dress. And then, I made myself, I bought a flower crown from Claire's and some plastic lemons and I, and I glued, hot glued lemons on the crown. It was almost like I wasn't sick. It was like … being like myself again we ... did what we always did. I felt good. Like that night was an incredible night for me. It made me feel like myself. 

It felt good, even if Gigi was still recovering from that surgery. Even if she had new scars and new pains.

Gigi: I remember looking at myself in the mirror, and I was still very swollen obviously, and still getting over things, but I just … I felt like this was life, and honestly all these scars I had on my face and all of this swelling and everything? All that, that was just symbolism of me surviving. 

[MUSIC - Live performance of “Beautiful Ones”]

Gigi: And so then when we got to the show. I knew she did a Prince cover. And it was “The Beautiful Ones,” and so … it was kind of great. And it made me– and that's also one of those songs that also makes me feel like really good. It's a really you know sad, sick, love song but it makes you feel really good because you can be, like, so much in love with yourself that you are lovesick. 

The story does not end with Beyonce. Beyonce is a part of the story, as she always should be. 

I had no idea what Gigi had been through, or gone through, until she told me. It was sometime when my husband Aaron had brain cancer. He had had two brain surgeries to take his brain tumor out. And it was a scary time for me. I can’t remember precisely what Gigi said, but it was something about how she had also had a tumor, but it wasn’t as big a deal because it wasn’t cancer.

But like, yes it is a big deal!

We have talked on this show before about comparison, and how it is useless and tends to just rob us of our humanity. About how it’s a way of downplaying what has happened to us, and it’s weird and gross and also we all do it. 

And so does Gigi.

On the one hand, you’ll hear her say things like, “Oh I was being a brat.” And then you’ll hear her say …

Gigi: Gigi you're healthy and you're very privileged and you're very lucky.

And … she’s all of the above. I mean that lovingly. More than one thing can be true, and it is. It always is. It’s true that Gigi is lucky. That her tumors were benign and not cancerous. That she had great medical care. That she lived, and she’s happy about that.

And it’s true that she has suffered, and will likely suffer again. That tumor — the one that always leaves a few cells bhind — can come back. And even if it doesn’t turn into a tumor again … she still lives with the effects of the first three surgeries. 

Nora: What will be the long-term effects of having ameloblastoma? 

Gigi: Well I have no feeling on the left side of my face. I won't get that back. That's just nerve damage permanently. If it comes back again and hits another nerve ... if they remove it, I could essentially lose all that feeling, you know?

The things that sound superficial when we’re talking about beauty – things like lip fillers, or botox? They’re usually referred to as cosmetic procedures. They’re actually not just cosmetic for Gigi. They’re things that she needs.

Gigi: The lip fillers to not make my lips not look caved in. The Botox to kind of freeze the nerves so they kind of stay in place and make my lip not droop. Also they give me the muscle relaxers that helped me sleep, because I can't sleep ever at night. I can't sleep on one side, I can’t sleep on the other. I can't relax ... I have chronic pain, tightness in my face all the time. I am, you know, sick at the drop of a hat. Like, I'll be having a great Saturday, take a nap, wake up from a nap, and I'm in excruciating pain. And it’s a pain I can't describe. And then I have to cancel plans. And I, and then ... just ... it's just, it's odd. And it’s, and it’s not consistent. That's the main thing.

It’s true that Gigi loves makeup and glam, but she isn’t ashamed of her scars.

Gigi: I don't go out of my way to cover them. I don't color correct. You can still see my scars through my makeup. I never am concealing them but ... I do love like the one I mentioned about my Cupid's Bow, I do have a little scar there. I put a little highlight there. It brings attention to it! They're going to be there forever. I'm never going to have surgery to remove them. For all the surgeries that I have had to smooth things out, the cosmetic ones anyway, to smooth things out, to inject essentially what is plastic into my lips, and Botox here and there and little pokes, prods or whatever — for all those cosmetic surgeries that I've had, I never, ever, ever have even considered having the scar removed, or the scar hidden or something. 

Again, anyone who wouldn’t be sad about their face being taken apart and sewn back together is lying? Like, absolutely lying. Of course that would make you sad. Because our faces are important. So is internal beauty, yes, but also, we are still a society that prizes external beauty. I mean, People Magazine doesn’t make an issue called The 50 Most Beautiful People On The Inside. 

And I participate in the beauty economy. I love it! I love my hair extensions, eyelash extensions, I love make-up tutorials on YouTube.

I also realize that talking about beauty and beauty standards really doesn’t mean a lot coming from a tall, thin, white woman with a reasonably attractive face. But beauty standards are real, and they do impact women who aren’t tall, thin, white women differently. 

Gigi: I think that we're so conditioned to, like, hate ourselves because everybody, like no. Especially like, with, like with young women of color, especially young black women we're conditioned to hate ourselves, like we're told nobody loves us or ... you know just little systematic things that happen like do our childhood. You know even from like the little things, like dolls, like you know little brown dolls, nobody gets those. You want a white one because they're pretty and they're beautiful. What's wrong with the black one? You know what I mean. They're conditioning us as a kid and so I feel like it's really ... like a revolutionary act to like flat out say I love myself no matter how I look, you know. I might not be that size. I might not look this way. I have flaws and all. And I still love myself. 

[MUSIC]

A fun fact about Gigi is that her name isn’t REALLY Gigi. Gigi is a nickname.

When Gigi was born in Atlanta in the mid-80s, her mother named her … Gorgeous. 

It’s what nearly every mother THINKS about their child — I say nearly because if you ask me, the kids who came out of me? Not gorgeous. They looked like weird worms for a while. 

But Gigi was gorgeous, so her mother, Beverly, made that her official name. Right there on the birth certificate. 

Gorgeous is kind of a name that comes with pressure, right? It feels like one of those names that you’re required to grow into. Like being named Honor, or Charity, or Prudence. 

And Gorgeous grew into that name.

Not just like, “Oh, she looks good. She’s gorgeous, good job.” But also that she knows she looks good. 

Because Gigi loves herself. And to me, that is very rare and very rad, and I am here for it. Because self-love is the one that is often the hardest to come by, and that if you do come by it, is very easily dismissed or derided. Is it vanity? I mean, it better not be vanity! Is it narcissism?

We can love OURSELVES, but if we love our looks, we somehow become suspect. We’re not supposed to be too concerned with what we look like, or too pleased with what we look like, lest we cross that line – that invisible, ever-moving line.

And Gigi says eff that. She loves herself. And she loves what she looks like. 

That’s not small ... or superficial … or silly.

Gigi: Like that's a huge ... like revolutionary act. People ... it's 2018 you would think it's OK for someone to say that and people not be so, wow. Congratulations. Are you serious right now? Like why is it such a mind fuck. Like, I love myself, I'm sorry. Like I don't need your, you know, approval to do that. You know, I've done it myself. [laughs]

So, like I said, it’s been a few years since I had that conversation with Gigi. And she’s not just a TTFA guest – she’s my friend. We work together, have worked together. I love her dearly. 

So I know what’s gone on in Gigi’s life since 2018. I know that in March 2020, Gigi had what should’ve been a routine checkup. 

Gigi: And they told me, “We want to do surgery on this little piece in your sinus going up your nose. We want to do that, because there's a itty bitty piece of tumor.” Like it literally was– it was a little cyst. It could stay there, or it could not. But they wanted to take a look at it. They wanted to make sure it was benign. And so I was scheduled for an April surgery, but obviously COVID hit, and that did not happen. The sense of urgency went away. They said, “Gigi, if you feel good, if there's no problems, then, you know, you do not need to risk your health coming to the hospital.” He's like, “You're fine. Just keep us updated, and we'll keep you updated, and keep the tumor board updated.” I did a little bit, but I mean, I was just living my life.

And Gigi did what we all tried to do that spring – she just tried to get through the day, get through the week, get through the month.

Gigi: And then I just gradually noticed that side of my face once again was getting bigger. And once it was getting a little bit bigger, my palliative care doctor – he mostly deals with end-of-life patients, you know? People who are, who have cancer and you can't help them anymore. And he's the one who very much urged me, “Gigi, please see Dr. Casado,” my doctor at the U. “Just check in with him, you know? And get it, you know, get your updated MRI, because everything's good now – you're vaccinated, you know, all these things.” So I felt comfortable enough to get my MRI back in, you know, October. And then in November we got the results. 

So, this past winter, Gigi learns that the tumor is back. Like, fully back. No longer just a little cyst.

Gigi: Now, that wasn't really a shock, because we knew that's a possibility. What was shocking was the location. It was still in my nasal cavity and right under my eye. It was connected to my optic nerve is the, is where it is. 

And this is what Gigi feared the first time around – that this little tumor would affect her sight. And when she hears this news, she’s in the office, alone, with her doctor …

Gigi: And then I had my mom on speakerphone. She was really, really worked up, obviously – she was all the way in Atlanta. She wasn't here. But Dr. Casado, he is an incredible person. And he suggested that my mom and I come back after he meets with the tumor board, because he knew my mom would be coming to see me for holiday. So that's exactly what we did. We came back in December. She got to see the same pictures that I was seeing, the same X-rays, had that one-on-one talk with Dr. Casado. Had him answer all her questions. Just, you know, I think that put her more at ease. And she was like, “Gigi, if you want to do it, we can go for it.” 

You know enough about Gigi by now to know that yeah, she went for it.

Gigi: So … in May of 2022, we did the surgery at the U. It was wonderful. They did it all through my nose. They got the tumor out. There's not one cut on my face. I feel good about it. When they told me they were taking the tumor out, they did suggest maybe going for the optic nerve, but I could possibly be left with double vision, no sight in that eye, or lose that eye completely. I did not want the eye surgeon to do that, so we passed on that. I'm really happy with the results. I mean my, getting that bulk of that tumor out freed up– it was near my nose, like literally pressing down on my nostril.

Nora: Have you been having, like, headaches? Were there, like, any signs?

Gigi: No. It's just annoying. That's the thing. It's just … just being a menace, you know what I mean? It's just this thing just eating away at my face. And in August, when I had my MRI, when they noticed everything settled in my face, everything's kind of healing, on the right track, we're three months out, they were like, “Yeah, that tumor is very much still there.” And my doctor, really, I mean, he's never sat down, looked me in the eye and like, gave me that dad face, was like, “Hey, you really need to think about what's next. What you're experiencing now, you're experiencing that double vision, blurry vision, my peripheral …” You ever seen that one picture of Tracee Ellis Ross, where it's like, one eye is, you know, very wide and the other one is, you know, the regular? That's me, literally all day, every day, right now. It is bonkers. I look at myself, and I'm just like, “What are you doing, eyeball?” [laughs] It's a weird feeling knowing that, you know, in the better part of a year, your eyeball will not be there anymore, because it has to come out. I can't save it anymore.

Gigi will meet with her doctors in December to talk about what comes next – and this time, her mom will absolutely be there in the room. 

And I don’t know, Gigi just has this natural sort of effervescence to her. When I’m talking to her, and I’m like, “I mean, what does that feel like? Your eye? You’re gonna need to lose it?” She’s like, “Yeah that’s weird. It’s weird.” But that’s because while all of this stuff is happening inside of her, around her, there are other really exciting things going on in Gigi’s world, too. Good things. 

She runs her own online business called Gigi’s Flair Emporium, which is also a store. She sells enamel pins and stickers and patches and jewelry. She vends at local events in Minneapolis, and if you’re in Minneapolis you’ll catch her working at the drag brunches. And she’s coming with us on the West Coast leg of our TTFA live tour. She’s gonna be at the merch booth.

Gigi: And I've literally manifested this life. It feels really good. I feel like I'm in a good place. I don't feel as stressed. But I do wonder, it's like, all these great things are happening, but where is the money, you know? [laughs] Like, how is Gigi literally going to, you know, be Gigi? Like, have a place to live and still be great, you know what I mean? But it feels really good to be in a place where you can see your effect on people, whether you know it or not. Or people will say, after a show, they'll be like, “Hey, I think I saw you, but I didn't want to be rude.” I'm like, no! If you saw me, say hi. You know? I've connected with so many people who have heard my story on your podcast, and they see me at brunch. They're like, “Oh my God, are you Gigi?” I'm like, “I'm Gigi,” you know what I mean? Like, it's so cool. And I really like it. I feel good about the connections. And it also makes me, just with my art, it makes me realize: I'm going to be off this planet years from now, but my pins, those little pieces of wearable art that I make, those are going to be everywhere, in every thrift store, forever. That's my impact on, like, why I'm here, like, why I'm here on this planet. I don't know. Like, it's like I manifested this weirdo life that I really, really love, you know? And that's why I feel like when big things like this happen, they're really shitty, but it could be so much worse. I could be dead. But I'm not.

Nora: You do have this kind of, like, naturally just like good attitude about this kind of stuff. And I wonder too, like, is it hard? Because this is, like, your face. And you and I are people who like to look good and, you know? [Gigi: Yes!] What does that do to your sense of self? Are there times where you're like, “No, literally fuck this”?

Gigi: Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes my eye just is bonkers, and I wear shades everywhere. Even at night, I don't care. I mean, I look good, okay? Like, I like what I like. I still wear my clothes, I still wear my accessories. I'm still dripping, you know? [laughs] I'm still very cute. But it does make me change the way I do my makeup. It's enhancing a lot of bags under my eyes. That's really tough to handle. But I mean, other than that, it's really … I have to love this body that I'm in, because it's mine, and I have to love myself. I do not depend on the love of other people. I do not depend on people, like, accepting me based on just how I look. I know I talk different. I know I sound different. I know I'm missing teeth. I know that my nose is weird now because of my sinus. I know that I'm still swollen on my face from my tumor. I know that my eye is wonky. But I still love all of that. That's still me. And, like, how many times can people say, “I've had a new face every few years?” I mean, not a lot of people! So, I mean, that just sounds like bad bitch energy to me, like … it's a chronic thing that has a hold on my life. I can't do a lot of things because of it, right? But I could also be dead. It could also be cancer. There are people going through worse things. There are people who don't have a business. There are people who don't know when their next meal is going to come. There are people who do not have a home. I am so privileged. I am not going to sit around and mope about my fucking face. I can't do that anymore. I've done that enough. I'm 36 years old now, and I've had this in my face since approximately about 12 or 13. That's well over half my life. I'm me, you know? And I look like myself, and I talk like myself, and I'm going to wear obnoxious hair colors. I'm going to wear obnoxious clothes, and I'm going to wear Crocs to your fucking wedding if you invite me. I just have to, like, revel in that bad bitch energy. I mean, bad bitches have bad days too. Period. Megan Thee Stallion.

CREDITS: Nora McInerny, Marcel Malekebu, Jordan Turgeon, Megan Palmer