The Final Quince
When Xiomara Medina was a teenage girl in Puerto Rico, a quinceañera was all she wanted when she turned 15. She dreamed of a big, sparkly dress and dancing the night away with her friends. But her family couldn’t afford it. So when she grew up and had four daughters, she wanted to give each of her children the party she never had. In this episode, her daughter, Jeyca Maldonado-Medina, brings us along as the family hosts its final quince for Jeyca’s youngest sister.
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Nora McInerny: This is Terrible, Thanks for Asking. I’m Nora McInerny.
Jeyca Maldonado-Medina: And I’m Jeyca Maldonado-Medina.
Nora: Long time listeners will recognize Jeyca as our former intern turned freelancer turned producer and ultimately turned successful woman working on another show.
Jeyca: I’m a deserter, essentially.
Nora: A traitor, I would say. Some of you also might remember Jeyca’s younger sister Malena from our 2017 episode called “introducing childhood.” Which was a pilot for a series we never got to make…but honestly, should probably just make now that we’re independent and can make our own decisions.
Malena (from previous TTFA episode): So I have three sisters and the one thing I like about them all is they’re all different. Like they may have some things in common, but most of who they are are really different and that’s like a good thing.
Nora: Malena was 10 when we interviewed her for that episode. And not to brag, but Malena and I have stayed BFF’s ever since. She even invited me to her quinceanera last August. And what did we do Jeyca?
Jeyca: We made content!
Nora: Yes we did! Because that’s what we do. And so today I’m handing the reins over to Jeyca to tell us the story of Malena’s quinceanera and what it means to have the baby of the family turn 15.
MUSIC
Jeyca: Most people have heard of a quinceanera. How much you know about them might range. Maybe you’re a quinceanera pro, attending dozens and taking home a centerpiece from each one. Or maybe your only exposure to them is from the few episodes of My super sweet 16 that featured rich hispanic girls.
For the uninitiated here’s the gist of it: a quinceanera is a celebration that Latinos throw when a girl turns 15. It’s meant to mark her passage from a girl to a woman.
Quinceaneras are no joke. They range, but it’s a big party. You’re getting a huge dress that can often cost the same as a wedding dress, you’re booking a venue, you’re buying a cake and food for the guests. All the expenses you’d have for a wedding or a bat mitzvah are also present at a quinceanera.
There are rituals that come along with the quinceanera. There’s the changing from flats into heels which is meant to symbolize this stage of maturity that you’ve reached with a solid foundation. The 15 candles which you hand out to 15 significant adults in your life. The tiara which denotes royalty and a unity with god and the world. The scepter, which symbolizes authority. The earrings which are meant to be a reminder to listen to your parents. The ring- which is meant to be worn until a wedding ring replaces it- represents God's endless love. The pendant which symbolizes faith in yourself and of course God (which by the way a lot of these items have religious meanings even if the person receiving them isn’t particularly religious). All of these things hold their own symbolism that are meant to mark that passage.
And every culture does it a little differently. Our little sister is Puerto Rican and Mexican, so she was given a last doll, which is meant to mark the end of your childhood.
But one thing is true for me and all my sisters; none of us would’ve had a quinceanera if it wasn’t for our mom, Xiomara Medina.
My mom is a passionate and dedicated person. That can sometimes come off a bit intense (sorry mom, it’s true), but everyone knows it’s because she loves so hard. She’ll do anything to help us get to where we want to be in life.
My mom was born and raised in Puerto Rico. She grew up in a small town in the mountains called Orocovis. Growing up, quinceaneras were a big part of her social life.
Xiomara: One of them, Julissa, I was part of her quinceanera. I was one of her damas. And I think that was like the best thing ever, like dressing up with, you know, in her colors and be by her side. It was just like the coolest thing. And, you know, and then the party, the music, the deejay, it was just cool.
Jeyca: But when my mom turned 15, a quinceanera was just not in the cards.
Jeyca: Is that something that you wanted at the time?
Xiomara: Yes I- yes, I wanted one.
Jeyca: And why was that not a possibility when you were 15?
Xiomara: Because we didn't have the resources for that. Neither, my sister did not have one, and I grew up with my grandparents and they could not afford a quinceanera either. And it was something that I- like it never crossed my mind that I will have one because I knew that we we could not afford it.
Jeyca: And my mom understands why she couldn’t have one, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t sting at least a little. To see some of your friends get to have this fabulous party and then not get to have one yourself has got to hurt. Especially when the tradition is so culturally significant.
MUSIC
Jeyca: In 1994, after my parents had Ericka, my older sister, they moved from Puerto Rico To Minnesota. My parents left all of their family when they moved here. It wasn’t easy. They worked jobs that weren’t ideal for not very much money. But they made it work for us. My mom and dad had 3 girls, Ericka, me, and Ariana. And then when my mom was 26, which is exactly how old I am now, she got divorced from my dad.
Starting around the time that Ericka turned 13 my mom started talking about Erika’s quince. Now Ericka is the quintessential oldest child. She was always really hard working and super smart. She’s not a super emotional or flashy person, so the idea of having a party where she’d be wearing a big poofy dress was not the most appealing thing to her.
Ericka: I did not want to have one. At the time I would have preferred having a trip somewhere because I just didn't really want an elaborate party and I don't think I had really been to many quinces. So it wasn't really like something that I was like, Oh, I need that.
Jeyca: Why did you end up having it?
Ericka: Because Mom made me have it.
Jeyca: And that is partially true. My mom did make her have one. But I think the other part of it is something much bigger than that.
Jeyca: For me, I feel like part of having it is because Mom didn't get to have one. Did that play into your decision to have one?
Ericka: Yeah, I think so, because I think Mom, like, really wanted to have this special thing for each of us that she wasn't able to have. So I think it kind of like fulfilled something for her, too.
Jeyca: And to be clear, having the actual party really wasn’t some grand sacrifice Ericka made. My mom knows how to throw a party.
Jeyca: So you have all the prep. Tell me about like how you felt day of the party. Obviously it was Mom's first, so it was stressful and she did so much of it herself, which was maybe not the best idea.
Ericka:Yeah. Even like my best friend Susan was there, like the night before setting things up. Like, that's crazy to me how much effort they put in. And too, I was the only one that had like the church ceremony, which was like a whole intricate thing because my grandparents wanted it. And I was just so surprised to see like how many of my friends from school showed up because I was just like, Oh, thanks, guys. Like, that's really sweet. I think, like, the whole day just really went by really well and just like, I enjoyed it minus like the getting ready stuff in the morning because I was just stressful.
Ericka: I think I was like really enjoying the day throughout and getting to the venue and seeing everyone. Like, it was just fun to be surrounded by everyone. I didn't really like being the center of attention, but it was kind of just like fun for that day. I think it was really fun for my friends to see me in a different way. Like, Oh my gosh, look at her. She's so dressed up. Like, we never see her like that.
Jeyca: I remember the day of Ericka’s quinceanera just being a big party. I was 12 at the time and so I wasn’t really doing much to help. Ericka had a full court with her which meant that she had 14 girls and 14 boys of different ages leading up to 15. And I was matched with the boy I had a crush on and that was a huge deal for me.
The day was also really special because of who was able to come out for Ericka’s quinceanera. Most of our extended family lives in Puerto Rico, but my grandparents and my aunt and uncle flew out for the party. That meant that when the time came for the traditional waltz Ericka got to dance with my dad, my grandpa, and my uncle along with all the other really important people in her life like my step dad and family friends.
Seeing Ericka get to have this moment really kicked in my little sister mode. She had one, I wanted one. Just like Ericka had, I wanted all my friends and family surrounding me, talking about how much I’d grown and beautiful I looked.
Now, I want to talk about my own quince, which was more than 10 years ago. But to talk about my quince we have to talk about my dad.
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I want to preface all of this by saying that I find this stuff hard to talk about. I’m old enough now that it feels like it’s been so long since any of this happened and I’m not angry anymore. I’ve learned to accept relationships in my life for what they are. But also, 14/15 year old me was hurt and so that is part of this story.
I was 5 when my parents divorced, and in the following years the amount of contact I had with my dad was really inconsistent. There were periods we talked every single day. There was a period where he moved away and didn’t talk to me for a year.
The year before my quinceanera my dad moved to Puerto Rico with his girlfriend and my little brother.
He had a job opportunity there that would allow him to live on the island again and be with my grandma. And I was glad for that, but our relationship was already rocky at the time. The once daily phone calls started to dwindle and I was pretty resentful and honestly really confused.
But then, my freshman year of high school, we found out he was moving back to Minnesota. I don’t remember how I reacted to the news. I can imagine it was a mixture of being glad I’d get to see my little brother and also still being angry with my dad.
Freshman year meant that I was turning 15 and it was time to plan my own cancer. I definitely knew I wanted to have one.There was no question about it. If there’s a spectrum of Ericka who hates being center of attention and Ariana who thrives being center of attention, I’m in the middle. I want some attention, but only the kind of attention I want. I produce podcasts, but you don’t often hear me on them.
My mom might tell you differently, but in my memory, the planning for my quince went smoothly, and things were looking good. We had booked the venue, we had chosen Italian food, and I had found the perfect dress. My dad was back in Minnesota. The party was all planned out, so my aunts and uncles were able to fly in for the party too.
My titi Blanca has always been the aunt I was closest to. She was living in Minnesota when I was born and was pregnant with her daughter around the same time as my mom. She says that being around me taught her how to be a mother so having her at my quince was really special.
My aunt had recently taken up doing nails and she did my nails for the party. I’ll admit, they weren’t perfect and she did burn me with the electric nail file, but everytime she did she’d take my fingers, kiss them, and say “ayyy perdon” so really how could I stay mad?
Again, I’m 15. I’m a high school freshman. And my main concern for my quince is, of course, the guest list. I know who’s invited…but who is going to actually show up?
We’ll be right back.
[Break]
Jeyca: We’re back.
The night before my own quince I was at my friend Bianca’s quince. I was dancing with my friends and just being as cool as a 15 year old can be when I got a call from my dad. I stepped out into the hallway to answer it.
He said that he wasn’t going to be coming to my party.
I don’t remember what I said or how I reacted in the moment. But I remember that he said that since he had just moved back, he couldn’t take a day off work. I didn’t believe that for a second.
Months before when we were in the planning process for my quinceanera and designing the invitations we had to decide who to list at the top. The invitations usually say the name of the parents and that they invite you to celebrate this special day with them. My mom asked me who I wanted to list. And at the time my dad was in Puerto Rico and we had little to no communication.
I was mad at him and I didn’t think it’d be fair to list him when he wasn’t helping with the party. So I listed my mom and my stepdad Jorge, who was helping. And I know that upset my dad. I’m sure that hurt him.
I think it’s easy for kids to forget that their parents are people with emotions of their own. Their feelings get hurt and my dad’s feelings were hurt. But I wanted nothing more than for my dad to set his own emotions aside and be there for me. But he wasn’t going to be.
I remember hanging up with my dad and calling my mom to let her know. I wanted to forget about it and go have fun. I couldn’t think about it or my emotions would overwhelm me.
So, I went to bed that night, sad about my dad bailing but excited about the next day.
The next morning, there was a lot to do. My mom, Jorge, and a few family friends went to the venue to get everything setup while I got my hair and makeup done at home. I remember the getting ready process being really overwhelming. We had a photographer there and there’s a picture of me sitting in the chair with my hair and makeup done and I look really sad. And I was sad, but it came in waves. I would oscillate between the excitement of the day and a feeling of disappointment about my dad not coming.
But the party was planned and I had to get going. Once my hair was done it was time to put on my dress. The dress I picked feels so uncharacteristic to who I am now, but I remember seeing it and thinking “that is THE dress.” It was a light blue puffy dress with gems and a lace peplum across the skirt. I wore a crinoline hoop skirt underneath so the dress was BIG which made getting into the car interesting.
We arrived at the venue and I got to go in to see all the decorations set up. I’d seen bits and pieces of the planning process, but I was not prepared for how beautiful it would be when it all came together. The room was covered in lots of blues and pinks and there were butterfly decorations everywhere. My stepdad had built an archway for me to sit under during the ceremony which had tulle and more butterflies. And all of it was done by my parents and family friends.
When we heard that people were beginning to arrive, me and my court of friends had to go hide in the bathroom so that I’d be able to make that grand entrance. I really don’t remember the specifics of this moment. I just remember feeling beautiful and excited to see everyone who had come to support me.
DJ: Let us welcome now the court of honor.
Jeyca: The grand entrance went off without a hitch, then dinner and then it was time for the part of the night I had been dreading all day: the Father-Daughter dance.
Growing up I had never had a reason to think my dad wouldn’t be here for this moment. He’d been there for Ericka’s. There was no way he’d miss mine. But… he did. And while I’ve forgiven him for that, it’s something that I still get emotional about when it comes up. Here’s me talking about it with my mom.
Jeyca: One of the things, oh, I'm going to get emotional. One of the things that stands out to me about my quince was that my dad wasn't there. But I think you did everything you could to make that day really special for me. And, yeah, can you talk to me about, like, how you felt seeing me that day, being upset about that?
Xiomara: It was hard because I know you were not… I mean, you were happy, your friends were there, but you were so devastated and you were so devastated. And we were just trying as much as we could just to make it a happy day. I think that having your Titi Blanca here helped a lot, because that I don't want to say that is your favorite aunt, but I mean, you're really close to her and she's really close to you. So I, I think God knows how to do things, like he put people in places when they are needed . Everyone tried to that day surround you with so much love. And and just try to make it I mean an enjoyable day even though I know that was a day that marked many changes in your life. I wish I could have done something, I could have just stopped the pain that you had that you suffered that day. Pelos was there for you. And try to just not compensate because he was not compensating. But just like. Just reassuring you that no matter what, you're always going to have a father in your life, not a biological, but you're always going to have him by your side.
Jeyca: I was surrounded by people who loved me. And I want to make it so clear that I love my step dad Jorge- who I call Pelos- with my whole heart. Pelos helped raise me and having him there to do the dance with me meant the world to me. All of the adults in my life surrounded me and danced with me. Even Malena got up and did the waltz with me. But it wasn’t the same. This was meant to be a milestone in my life and now the day would be marked by the absence of one of the most important people in my life. I didn’t give out the 15 candles like my older sister did. It would have felt wrong to hand out those candles and not be able to give one to my dad so instead I just didn’t hand out any.
Next in line was Ariana and she was ready to have a quinceanera. She, unlike Ericka, has no problem being the center of attention. She wanted to party. By the time we had Ariana’s quince we had lost both of my grandfathers and my great grandma on my mom’s side. And so watching the slideshow of pictures at Ariana’s quinceanera was difficult. Here’s my mom:
Xiomara: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the slide shows are going to be always hard to watch from from, like, eight years ago. Almost nine years in fact, now in September, since my dad passed away and my grandma. And then your grandpa also passed passed away. Ericka had the blessing of having her Papa Elidio in her quinceañera. I mean, they were old and not able to travel that much. And I think that's the reason why they didn't come to yours, not because they didn't want to be here. It's just it was hard for them. But actually the fact that he was at Ericka's quinceanera, she had that blessing. I'm putting the slide show together for Nana and putting the one that I'm putting in right now, I cry, I cry a lot. Because even though they were not here physically like the memories and sharing with them about the process and the pictures and all that, it's hard.
Jeyca: My mom has always been a very emotional person. And in moments like these I really understood her. It’s hard to stand up there celebrating Ariana’s life with the people who love her most while knowing that you can’t call some of the most pivotal people in her life. You don’t get to thank them for helping bring her to this moment.
Ariana’s slideshow was hard to watch, but another tough part of the night was seeing that my dad was there.
Now, obviously I wouldn’t want him to skip Ariana’s just because he wasn’t there for mine. But it stung all over again to get to see my sister have that father daughter dance moment with him.
I was happy for Ariana, but it made me think back on my quince. I do consider my quinceanera as a good day. It's sort of like in the movie “inside out” when sadness is touching the core memories and they’re turning blue. But then as joy touches them she sees that sadness led to happiness. I was sad that my dad wasn’t there AND I was overwhelmed by the love that surrounded me. I was so grateful for my mom, my step dad, my aunt and my sisters who all worked hard to keep the mood light. Because I deserved to have a good day.
Like I said at the beginning, I have a hard time talking about this because I don’t want to villainize my dad. My dad is a loving man and like all people he sometimes makes bad choices. And missing my quinceanera was one of those bad choices.
My dad and I have a pretty good relationship. One day like that couldn’t change the fact that I love him and I know he loves me too. But my quinceanera did mark a shift in our relationship. It felt like a sticking point for such a long time. Like every small mess up from him felt like it vindicated my anger from that day. Like I was collecting points to one day be able to show him “here! See how you messed up?” But the older I get the less angry I am. I don’t feel like I need some huge cathartic moment to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting.
I have forgiven him AND I’ll never be able to re-do that day. Whenever I think back on that day one of the first things I think about is the fact that he wasn’t there. But then I think about all the other wonderful things that happened that day. My aunt travelling from Puerto Rico to celebrate with me. My mom singing me a song that brought me to tears. Getting to dance with my friends and even managing to get my crush up and dancing.
Like a lot of life events my quinceanera was a mix of emotions, but I’d take the bad with the good to get to have participated in something that I know meant so much to my mom. And the older I get the more I realize how special it is that I got to have one.
We’ll be right back.
[Break]
Jeyca: We’re back.
Jeyca: All right, so tell me, who are you?
Malena: I think a lot of people know who I am. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Cut that out please! I'm Malena.
Jeyca: And finally we are at the day of Malena’s quinceanera. I’m gonna bring Nora back in because she had the pleasure of experiencing the whole day with us.
Nora: I loved that day. I love being a part of someone else's family. I love that I'm in some of the prep photos. I love that. I got to witness it all.
Jeyca: And Nora, just like me, loves Malena. Malena is the baby of the family on my mom’s side. Or she was until my niece was born but that was post-quinceanera. But anyways, Malena is my everything. When she was born I was 10 years old and I remember being so excited to meet her. I helped my mom decorate her crib, fold the baby clothes, all of it. And when she was born she did not disappoint. Malena is an incredible person. So kind, empathetic, intelligent and hilarious. I could go on and on about her. But basically I love her a lot and we all love her so much.
So when her quince was approaching, I wanted to document it. I wanted her to remember the day and how we all felt leading up to it. So I stuck a microphone in each of my family member’s face and made them talk about how incredible Malena is. I started with my mom and older sister Ericka.
Xiomara: I think Malena is the glue of our family. The girls, Jeyca, Ericka. They don't come here to see us. I mean, they. Yeah, they do. But they come to see Malena, and I don't know how you guys are going to be that day. I know that I'm going to be a mess, and I know that I'm going to be crying. But it's going to be tears of joy.
Jeyca: How are you feeling leading up to Malena's big day today?
Ericka: Oh, my gosh. I feel like I'm going to be really surprised because I've been less involved, even more so with this one. Like I haven't even physically been to the venue, but I think like it's a really special relationship we have with Malena where it's like friendship sister, but like she almost, we have like a motherly instinct for her. So I think it'll be like a lot of emotions seeing her like fully in her element and doing her ceremonies and stuff.
Nora: The last time that listeners of Terrible, Thanks For Asking heard from Marlena would have been in our update episode but even that was about three years ago. So let's talk about what's changed since Melina's first episode. When we met Melina, she was a kid dealing with anxiety, and a lot of that anxiety had to do with her dad. Who's your stepdad.
Jeyca: Yes, Jorge – who Malena calls Papa, so when I say Papa, I’m referring to her dad. If you have half siblings or step siblings you get this. That first episode back in 2017 dealt with my stepdad’s struggles with alcoholism, as well as some immigration issues that we'd been going through at the time.
Jeyca: Obviously, people know you from the episode about you and papa. How is your dad doing and how do you- how does it feel to get to this point with him now?
Malena: Well, even like when I filmed the first podcast, like Papi was doing really good at that time and like he was sober and everything. So still at that point when I filmed the first podcast, like it was still kind of after all those events. But even now, I like to dance like my valz with him and everything like was really sentimental because, like, I wouldn't have been able to do that without, like, everything that happened. So I think it was just like a growing moment for both of us and especially like to see like photos of, like of us at that time, like when everything was happening with him was, like, pretty emotional, too.
Xiomara: In February will be three years since he actually got his permanent residency. At this point Pelos is able to apply for his citizenship once he it's like been a permanent resident for three years. He is- he's been sober since his last treatment, working hard on his program and his recovery. Malena is doing way better. The anxiety is still there. And I think it's something that it's going to be hard to overcome. But they have each other. What helps him a lot in his recovery is having her. And what helps her with her anxiety is having him and they have each other. Sometimes I feel completely left out. But I have a dog that is always by me. Right Milo?
But they have each other and that have helped a lot. And he is he's healthy. I feel that he's happy. We have accomplished so many things since since he's you know, his sobriety and since his recovery. We bought a house, we moved,, we have travel. We visited Puerto Rico for the first time. We've been married for 16 years, and we just visited Puerto Rico last year for the first time. And we're planning to go to Mexico and visit his family there. So. Things are much better now.
Jeyca: So things have been a lot better. And we were all looking forward to Malena’s quinceanera. The only person who wasn’t always looking forward to it was Malena herself.
Jeyca: You've been a little bit back and forth on whether or not you wanted to have the quince and sort of like how you felt about it. Why? Why were you so back and forth about it?
Malena: Well, I always like- I never didn't want a quince but like especially like during the school year and stuff, like I always thought there was like other things to focus on rather than planning my quince. So I always like put it aside.
Jeyca: Here’s my mom and stepdad, talking about planning Malena’s quince…
Xiomara: She has an idea, and she wants that idea. But she's not helping with the idea. She's not making decisions. I think everything is part of her anxiety. For her, making decisions it's hard. Everything causes anxiety. Procrastinating things is not helping. Not- she's been so indecisive about things as simple as the decorations and her dress. Finding her dress was just- it was so hard. And, yeah, it's been difficult. Even today, she's planning something new that she wants to add to the quinceanera. And I'm like, We're three days away. I don't know if we're going to be able to pull this in. You can see it on her face, her frustration, and like, okay, we're going to try to pull it. But yeah. It's hard. Very hard.
Jorge: Yo creo que le gusta la idea del 15. Lo que no le gusta es el foco. Yo creo que ha de ser normal porque a Ericka era lo mismo. Ericka le gustaba la idea. Bueno, Erika era. No le gustan el foco en ser el foco de la atención y eso. Yo creo que a Malena la tiene un poco nervioso, pero que le guste el 15 yo creo que si, no? Oh baby, le encanta la idea de no de- de ser ella el foco de atención. Y lo fue. No sé. Y también a ti. Tú. Tú también lo tomaste muy, muy bonito. Tú fuiste una quinceañera normal dentro de todo, porque tú lo quisiste y fuiste parte de él y estuviste muy feliz. Yo pienso.
Jeyca: To summarize, my stepdad say Malena, like Ericka, doesn’t love being the center of attention. But she did want a quinceanera, so the quinceanera got planned.
[chatter of family members calling to each other, looking for a handband]
And now it’s the morning of and there’s a lot going on.
Jeyca: Nora, how would you describe the feeling in my mom’s house that morning?
Nora: There was so much energy in that house. It was actually a lot chiller than I imagined it might be. I would describe the energy in that house as the standard pre-event energy, which is people are excited, people are also exhausted. There's a healthy level of tension, there's family coming in, there's family asleep in the lower level and everyone's like tiptoeing around like there's a there's a lot happening all at once and your mom is so calm and yet so busy.
Nora: What are you looking for?
Sister: I'm looking for Melina's headband, which is missing. But it was here this morning. What does it look like? It has, I think either a little like flowers or crystals on it. And my mom has all of our headbands. We're also looking for her brother.
Jeyca: The morning was a weird amount of down time and then moments of chaos. Malena had a moment where it was clear she didn’t like how her hair turned out, but she wasn’t saying anything because she’s a true people pleaser. But we’re her older sisters so we could tell. So we stepped in to make sure that her hair was exactly how she wanted it, because she would not have stood up for herself. And so she got ready and then the limo rolled up, which was a huge flex because I've never been in a limo
Nora:I just love knowing that 20 years after I left high school, which is still shocking to me, that a limo still has cachet and is still a flex. Truly brought me comfort and I was envious. I was almost hoping maybe Melanie is going to invite this 39 year old adult woman into that. I didn't get the invite.
Jeyca: You didn't make the cut. I mean, I also didn't make the cut. None of us will ever know what the party in the limo was actually like. But Malena and her friends went in the limo, they went and took pictures, this is all very wedding. And then we got to the venue, and it was beautiful.
[music at venue fades in]
Nora: Okay, describe this room for me.
Jeyca: It's an old church, so there's stained glass on both sides. And in the center there's a stage with a flowery backdrop and sequins, just all very classy, rose gold and white theming, which is so impressive for a 15 year old to choose that theme. Yea, its beautiful.
Nora: This is nicer than both of my weddings.
Jeyca: Oh this is so much nicer than my quince. My quince was beautiful but…
Jeyca: As the party began I got to see all the people who love Malena come in. There were people there that I haven’t seen in years. And they all came out to show their love for Malena.
Xiomara (on microphone at quince): Everyone, thank you for being here tonight. Any present here tonight is someone important to us. And we really appreciate all of you guys being here tonight. We worked really hard to have this party for Malena and now we want to dance and have fun. So let’s stand and have fun! Happy Birthday Malena.
Jeyca: Dinner came first and then it was time for the ceremony. And this is where the waterworks began.
Nora: The moment that I remember specifically is when she was given the tiara. And you and your sisters put that on Malena’s head and she started to cry pretty much right away. And as soon as you and your sisters saw her crying, you all started to cry. And I was already crying.
Jeyca: I think we were all surprised at the intensity and immediacy of Malena’s emotions. She cried from the moment we put the tiara on through when she received the last doll. Malena’s last doll was a Snow White Precious Moments doll that my mom bought for her. That’s because Snow White was the first movie Malena was ever obsessed with so when my mom handed her that doll she lost it. And seeing her lose it meant that I lost it too.
Nora: Next Malena danced the waltz with her dad. And you told me that the song she danced to was especially meaningful.
Jeyca: Yeah so Malena and her dad danced to the song “Tu Sangre en Mi Cuerpo” by Angela Aguilar and Pepe Aguilar. The title of the song translates to your blood in my body and the lyrics are all about the special bond between a father and a daughter. Pepe sings about how proud he is to have Angela as his daughter and she sings about her love for him. And anyone who knows Malena knows that her dad is her best friend. So seeing them dance together was really special.
[“Tu Sangre en Mi Cuerpo” plays]
Malena: Well, obviously, him and I, like we're both nervous, but he put on sunglasses, and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for it because he didn't want people to see him getting emotional. So I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that. Especially like the song that was playing that was like talking about like a father and daughter, like growing up. Like, it didn't help with me not crying, and it was just really emotional. And we were both like really nervous but really happy.
Jeyca: He did knock your crown off during the dance.
Malena: And he had to stand on his tiptoes when he spin- spun me.
Nora: And again, he wasn't the only one crying. I was watching you pretty much the whole event. And at this part, you really did seem to be more emotional than you had been before.
Jeyca: I was more emotional than I expected myself to be. Their relationship is so beautiful and seeing that play out at her quince was really special. But I also couldn’t help but think back to my own quinceanera. For some reason Malena being 15 made me realize just how young 15 really is. And that made me sad for the past version of me who didn’t get to have that special moment.
Nora: And then comes a moment that I personally wasn't prepared for. And I think you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Jeyca: Yeah this moment must have felt like a personal attack, Nora. We decided we wanted to do a sisters dance and Malena asked me to help her pick a song. She wanted a song in English since she had done a song in Spanish for her dad.
I instantly thought of “Never Grow Up” by Taylor Swift.
[“Never Grow Up” plays]
Malena was about 3 when Speak Now came out and that song has always made me think of her. I cherish the times when she was young and she really is growing up before my eyes. And I’m so conflicted on that feeling because on the one hand it’s incredible to see the person she’s becoming, but on the other hand I miss every past version of her. I miss the little baby who would ask to watch Snow White on repeat every single day for a year. And to get up there with her and dance to that song was one of the most emotional moments of my life.
Nora: I loved seeing that sisterly bond among you. I cried thinking about what my older sister has meant to me. She's eight years older than me. I can't listen to Never Grow Up without thinking about my siblings, without thinking about that relationship. It was really, really beautiful, Jeyca to witness that and to see that amongst your sisters.
Jeyca: And I'm sure for you listening to Never Grow Up makes you think about your kids. And Erika said this at one point, that our relationship with Malena is almost a parental one. Like, I almost feel like I'm another mom to her. And so hearing that song always makes me think about her because she's my baby and she's growing up.
Nora: And then then your mom joins the chat. And by joins the chat, I mean, joins the mariachi band.
Jeyca: Yeah so my mom is an incredible singer and she joined the mariachi to sing Amor Eterno. Latino listeners will know about this song. This song was originally performed by Rocia Durcal and written by Juan Gabriel. The title of the song translates to love eternal. Some of the lyrics translate to "You are the sadness in my eyes/ That weep in silence for you love/ I look at myself in the mirror and see my face/ The time I've suffered because of your goodbye/ I force my thought to forget you/ Because I'm always thinking of yesterday/ I'd rather be sleeping than awake/ Because of how much it hurts that you are not here.” I knew that my mom was singing that song and thinking about her dad and grandma. Malena was named Malena because that was the name my grandpa would’ve given his son if he was a girl.
[Xiomara singing with mariachi band at quince]
Jeyca: After that point I swear the waterworks were done. The rest of the night was a party. Malena had a blast dancing with her friends and family.
When I think back on my quinceanera and Malena’s I see two young women with vastly different feelings about the day. I was a kid who couldn’t wait to grow up. I always had a youth complex. I hated that I felt like people were talking down to me. I wanted to hurry up and be an equal with the adults around me. But Malena feels differently. I asked Malena after her quinceanera about why she cried so much during the ceremony.
Malena: It was actually happening to me and like I wasn't just watching the ceremony happen for somebody else. Like, I was the one that was like... I guess being celebrated like that was like- it just hit me at that moment that that was like... I don't know how to describe it. Like, that was just like my big moment that night.
And also like just the meanings of everything really got me because like, ever since I was little, like I always said, like, I didn't want to grow up. And it's like, that's kind of the moment where everyone, like... like saw me like growing up, I guess if that makes sense.
Jeyca: Malena’s emotion came from a place of being scared. She didn’t want to grow up. She never has. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about her. If anyone took the message of that Taylor Swift song seriously it was Malena. And now everyone she loved was gathering around her to celebrate the fact that she was growing up.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. Being surrounded by everyone you love and being celebrated feels wonderful. But also, the occasion marked something she feared. She would soon be an adult like the rest of us, and not the baby we all doted on.
[old video of baby Malena babbling in Spanish]
Malena’s quinceanera also had the added layer of being the last in this generation of our family. Malena turning 15 always felt so far off, in the same way that your kids entering high school or going to college feels far off. And then one day it’s just there. They’re in high school. They’re getting into college. And it feels like it’s all happening too soon. Like Malena hasn’t gotten to be just a kid for long enough.
Malena: I just can't really wrap my head that it's like, actually happening because like- like after Ariana's, like, moms thing were always, like, joke about, like Malena's quince and how it's like the last one. And like, even papi said that he was like going bald after my quince and like, he would say that even when I was like five. So it’s all coming to an end, It's scary.
Jeyca: On the flipside, Malena turning 15 is a real point of pride, particularly for my mom. Growing up my mom knew for a fact that she would not be able to have a quinceanera. And so she had her first daughter and knew she was going to give her the celebration she never got to have.
Xiomara: I wanted to have a quinceanera for Ericka, for sure. And then I wanted to have one for Jeyca but I kind of like also kind of gave her the option not because she was less than Ericka. But it's just like... I don't know. Then I learned you know, that not everyone likes to be in the the be the center of attention. But I kind of give her the option, but at the same time just hoping and wishing that she will say yes and and they all did.
Jeyca: And we all did want to have the party. Partly because it’s a big party where you get to wear a pretty dress and all that. And partly because it’s got a cultural significance. But the biggest reason when I talked to my sisters about it was that we knew that it meant so much to my mom.
My mom was forced to grow up at a young age. Her upbringing was not smooth sailing. There was love in her life, but the level of support she received wasn’t always consistent. So when she had us she made sure that we knew we were always loved and supported. And to be able to do that she sacrificed so much. The least we could do was have a party that allowed her to slow down and reflect on how far she’d brought us.
Seeing Malena turn 15 really marked the end of an era. My mom did it. She provided each of us with a beautiful quinceanera that we can always look back on and say “wow, look at how loved I was.” But even more importantly she got us all to that point. She raised 4 daughters into- not to brag- incredible women. She didn’t do it alone. We are surrounded by a community of people who love us, but our family really does hinge on my mom and the sacrifices she made for us.
When I first thought to do this episode I knew it was going to be about Malena growing up and what that means to me. But the longer I worked on it, the more I realized that this is sort of a thank you letter to my mom. She didn’t get to be celebrated when she turned 15 and that makes me really sad. But I hope she can see this as a celebration of all that she's done for her 4 daughters.
Gracias mami por guiarnos hasta este punto. Todo lo que hemos logrado solamente ha sido posible por los sacrificios que hiciste.